


The curse

by Erelley



Category: The curse (ORIGINAL FIC)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood and Injury, British Slang, Cigarettes, Curses, Dark Comedy, Death, Drug Use, Explicit Language, Fist Fights, Idiots in Love, M/M, Novel, Original Character(s), Original Fiction, Past Sexual Abuse, Road Trips, Sexual Tension, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 19:21:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 24,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28979532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erelley/pseuds/Erelley
Summary: Dick was alone in this world, killing anyone he ever came across and got close to. That was his curse and his burden. That is, until one day, a suicidal man had visited him, and he had a curse of his own: He couldn't die.Or in other words: If "Road work ahead? Ah, yeah, I sure hope it does" And "I'm a bad bitch you can't kill me" Were twisted lost men who fell in love.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 4





	1. The curse

**Author's Note:**

> "A sharp, high-pitched ring pierced his racing mind and the silence of his dusty house. A visitor? Highly unlikely and rightly so"
> 
> In which we get to know Dick, and get to see his new visitor.

It was a horribly common phenomenon for the little boy who stood wide-eyed, staring at the pavement of his front porch. The air was warm, the sky was blue, and the thick smell of blood blocking his nostrils. He was ten then. He is not ten anymore.

It did not surprise him, so he didn't shout. He did cry. He was ten then, it'll be fairly off if he didn't.

He was used to the smell, the bright red colour, and what came afterwards: Court cases, straight-faced lawyers, and the slight amusement of the people all around. Then again, one thing will be missing from the court this time. His tall, well built, Blonde father.

The same father that came crashing down their porch that same warm afternoon, after attending to their broken water tank up on their slightly sun-damaged red rooftop.

Warm tears spilled along his cheeks as he made his way towards his mother, who was watching the telly, unaware, and content.

The next couple of hours are a haze to him, the smell of blood blocking his senses as he watches his mother disappearing through the door. Then came the scream. A blood-freezing one, a scream he could never get out of his mind, not even at the haziest of states.

As he adjusts himself on his couch in the darkened room, his mind wanders to his childhood, and how from a very young age he knew that that was his fault. No one had blamed him, but he knew that he was in one way or another, cursed.

He remembers how his mum had died as well, when he was only 18 years old and scared for his own life, horror beaming in his heart as he watched her body crushing in a car crushing machine after having a tour in a recycling company who was very poorly managed. He remembered her falling to it, right leg still dangling as the immense loud noise of the machine blocked her screams. He was thankful for that, at least. He remembers falling to it as well before a hand was hastily offered to him, a large part of his forehead completely evaporating into the machine as he fights his way upwards before it destroys him as a whole.

As he thinks about the accident his rough hand reaches his forehead, now covered with bright bangs to cover his scar. The mere movement sends his body out of balance and his head spinning, as the effects of the beer he was drinking started to kick in.

His mind wanders to his beloved Fifth-grade teacher, that died by a toaster electrifying her. She was found after a week or so, her cats ate her up bits by bits up until then, or so he has been told. He thinks of Michel, a rather weird teen at the age of 16, who got too close for the gods above to ever allow it, so he drowned when they were on their summer break, his body has never been found.

When he thinks of it, the people he loved died the fastest, and while he hated to admit it, he rather despised his mother. He loves his father, he loved helping him around and playing ball games. He was a true role model to him, strong, chaotic and always with a glint of pure joy in the corner of his eyes. It was that same glint that attracted his mother to him like a moth to a lamp. Although that will be a bad metaphor, he liked and appreciated moths, actually.

His mother was a straight-minded woman with no interests accept of what was on the news. The few times he watched her dancing with his father in their dimly lit Livingroom are the only good memories he had of her. But death got to her nonetheless, because death got to anyone close, even if only physically. That might explain why it took so long. Her death was traumatizing, never the less.

He groans in frustration as his thoughts seemed to not be able to leave him be. He didn’t know what was his curse, why could no one ever get close, but he learned to live with it. He rarely came out of his house and his parents' money was enough for him to manage. He rented their house and moved to a far enough place where he hopefully wouldn’t endanger anyone. There was a time where he walked freely upon the face of the earth, and people, sometimes, would have died directly in front of him in brutal and soul-crushing ways. He got quite famous for that, earning him weary looks from old women who read the local newspaper regularly. These times were no more, and he just prefered to stay home, safe in the knowledge that enough folklore was surrounding him and his house for any kind of disturbance.

What does a man do all on his own in this world? That was a good question he's yet to answer. For now, the answer was alcohol. It wasn’t a sustainable solution, and hardly imbedded in his joyful and kind nature, but it was better than doing nothing, for the moment.

A sharp, high-pitched ring pierced his racing mind and the silence of his dusty house. A visitor? Highly unlikely and rightly so. He was too drunk to actually answer the door, if it wasn’t a group of kids daring to check if the legend is true, it was probably a mailman. And yet, the ringing noise persisted. It was renewed every 10 seconds or so. Then more impatiently, until it got to the point of no return.

"Who the fuck is it?" he rasped in his unused voice, no one to ever talk to, you see.

"Dick?" asked an unimpressed voice behind the door. 

"If you don’t leave me the fuck alone, you'll get yourself killed"

"Is that a threat?" the voice sounded cocky and actually pleased with itself.

"It’s a guarantee"

He didn’t make any kind of movement towards the door, hoping he made his point quite clear. No one had to believe him. He just wanted to make it clear that he wants to be left alone.

A shift of weight was heard from behind the door after a minute or so, startling him yet again into reality, he forced his eyes open.

"Still not dead" remarked the voice. 

"Do you want to be?" he said with a growl, starting to be a little more impatient.

"That’s kinda the point"

That made Dick perk up, heavy and alcohol-induced, a slight rage in his movement as he groans and lifts himself up from the couch. He opened the door he couldn’t get to focus in the eye of his mind, and as cold night air pushed its way into the empty house, the image of a black-haired man had hit him. He was half Asian probably, slightly taller than him and definitely less built. The second thing that fuzzily entered Dick's mind as he investigated the image in front of him, is the huge red mark spread across the entirety of the man's neck.

"So, you really are a dick" said the man, his face still empty of emotion.

"Fuck off" was all dick could say, how do you even talk to someone who was just chocking, if not by someone else than by a noose he had made himself.

"Don’t think I will, can I get in?"

"What?! No! Who even are you?"

"I'm Ezra, you're Dick, I've read that you kill people without even trying, I want to die, nice meeting you" he said, and offered his hand for a handshake.

"look, Ezra, you look like a nice bloke… I really don’t want to shake that hand and have you dying of hypothermia the minute I do so. Go home, drink some tea and ride this wave of depression. Maybe… go to a therapy session or something… I'm too fucking drunk for this shit" he said, rubbing his forehead in frustration.

"And I'm not, can I get a beer?"

"You can go back to your home"

"I can't die okay?" now Ezra looked a bit more emotional. "Every time I try anything, it fails"

"Every time anyone gets close, Ezra, they die, this is not a fucking joke, GO HOME"

Ezra looked determined, and did not seem to be giving up anytime soon. God, it has been so long since he had any sort of face-to-face interaction. He must admit, it was thrilling, and tiring, but he couldn't just leave him freezing outside. Then again, if he comes inside, he's as good as dead anyways… A bright thought popped into his hazy mind, 'call the police you moron', but just as soon it washed away by another one.

"Who will win then?" Dick asked.

Ezra looked puzzled by his question.

"You said you can't die, I kill everyone… Who will win?"

"I sure hope it's you"

"I hope not, it has been long since I had any kind of company"

"What are you saying?" Ezra looked weary now, the kind of weary you look when you pass an old greasy man on a dark street and you're certain of his perverse tendencies.

"Well… If you die you get what you wanted, if not, I get to have someone to talk to"

The mere thought thrilled the shit out of him. He was so alone, so tired of the emptiness of his world. It was highly unlikely, but his drunken mind dared to be optimistic, just for a while.

"It’s a deal"


	2. The one that’s immune

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "To be completely honest, he didn’t know what are they even doing"
> 
> In which Ezra is suicidal. That probably sums it up.

To be completely honest, he didn’t know what are they even doing, but when Ezra crossed the threshold and stepped in, he noticed the exact same sentiment. Right, two so-called cursed men with complete opposites intents, that'll be interesting.

"Beer, was it?" 

"Yes, definitely" Ezra said quickly.

Dick laughs at that, suddenly he saw little holes beginning to appear in Ezra's cold and stable image. He missed this, watching people, knowing them, talking to them for fuck's sake. He took a beer out of his fridge and handed it to Ezra, that nodded in return and started drinking almost immediately. That gave Dick the full view of Ezra's neck. This kid is not lying, he was very much suicidal.

"Nasty scar. beautiful necklace by the way" he really wasn’t good at that, his lack of experience not helping at all.

"Thanks, my sister made it"

"Why not leave it the only thing on your neck, eh?"

"Because I want to fucking die" Ezra said bluntly and moved to sit on the couch.

He was clearly still stiff, but Dick was still very much tipsy, and with a renewed beer in his hand the way to a drunken bliss was short. The hell with it.

"Why is that?" 

"I don’t really want to talk about it"

"I think you do" 

Dick was very sure of himself, quite comfortable with the guarded-up stance of his visitor. He moved to the couch as well and set opposite to Ezra, crossed legged and nonchalant.

"I really don’t"

That was… unexpected. Too many road bumps in the way and Dick already felt physically tired of trying to keep the conversation going. Exhaling deeply and freeing his mind, he let his head slip backwards and relax. The silence was nice, bur Ezra clearly wasn’t having it.

"So… What do you do all day? Are you actually not meeting anyone?"

"No… Not seeing anyone, don’t want to cause more damage to the world than needed"

"What if the world wanted you that way? You know… Dilution of population and all that…" he sounded more relaxed now and genuinely believing what he's saying.

"Never thought about that… That way, actually. Then what about you? If I hold you to the same standard, maybe the world wants you alive after all, love" 

Ezra sneers at that "We'll see about that tonight, I suppose" he seems deep in thought for a few moments and then continues: "So you're not having shags coming your way? At all?"

"I'm a gentleman, if I may say so myself. It would break my heart if innocent women were dying on my watch, thank you very much"

Ezra sneaks a burst of dry laughter at that and nods in understanding "Mental…" was all that left his mouth for a few more seconds.

"You know, I came here because I believe you… about the accidental deaths and all… I believe you because I AM immune" 

"Like you said, we'll see about that tonight…" he said, shifting his gaze towards Ezra's profile. He must admit, it's nice having someone, talking a bit, getting drunk and not being completely alone in this damned house.

Ezra shifted his gaze towards Dick as well, and with that, Dick sensed the drifting state of his visitor and decided to leave him be and see what the morning will bring. He was curious about this immunity, and Ezra's experiences that involved nearing death, but he decided to let it be for now. Since his mother's death, anyone who got close, even not emotionally, was dead within a couple of hours, so the morning will be an indefinite answer to their interesting little contest. He lifted himself up with a grunt and nodded towards Ezra, who nodded back.

"Goodnight" said Ezra, visibly tired and a bit on edge.

"Sure hope it is" Dick smiled back and moved towards his room. A slight fear in the corner of his mind regarding what he'll find on his couch the next morning, but he remained hopeful, nonetheless.

And so, he went to sleep.


	3. The winner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The fundamental idea was to stick around long enough for him to die. Truth is, he was disappointed"
> 
> In which Ezra is hangovered and moving in, and we get to know him, just a little.

He heard the insides of his brain:

'thud, thud, thud' 

That’s the sound of the dull aching pain that greets him the second his conscious regained, and he didn’t even open his eyes. He might have taken a few more beers before falling asleep. A thrill greeting his body as the crumbling fear of actually dying was foreign to him for such a long time. The sun hit him directly in the face, which didn’t make anything easier and was so unlikely in this dark house he got actually angry.

"You won!" he heard a cheerful voice that made him physically wince.

He opened his eyes slowly, careful of his aching head and body, and was greeted by a strange image. Dick, his blonde messy bob cut framing his strong face features, shirtless, actually about to cry as he hands him a glass of water and a few coloured pills.

"Cheers" he managed to rasp in return before swallowing them and drinking the rest of the glass.

"Not used to drinking, are you?" Dick chuckled.

Ezra groaned and lifted himself up to lay against the couch, neck dangling backwards and hand reaching to massage the bridge of his nose. "I'm fucking dying" he managed to rasp.

"Clearly, you're not" Dick said cockily.

"I'm moving in" Ezra said decisively, eyes still shut in pain.

"Wha… What?" 

"Will go bring my shit today, I'll pay rent, if you want me to"

"What the fuck are you on about?"

Ezra sighs at that. He may sound confident, but truly, he didn’t really know what he was doing. He only knew he could never go back to his normal life, the mere thought injects his body with instant anxiety and depression.

"You're my last chance…" Ezra trailed off.

"Actually… I don’t mind" said Dick, deep in thought "The house is mine, I don’t need you to pay rent"

He opens his eyes at that.

"Are you serious?"

"Why not? Ezra, love, I hate to break it to you, but you're the only person in this whole wide world who actually survived a… Night with me" he said, physically cringing at the last part of his sentence.

Now Ezra was fucking furious. A load groan leaving his mouth.

"I don't want to survive" 

"Well… Staying here might be your best chance" Dick said with a sad smile, and moved to the kitchen, far from Ezra's sight.

He knew he was right, the fundamental idea was to stick around long enough for him to die. Truth is, he was disappointed. There was nothing much left for him to do in this world, so what are a couple more days on this creaky couch? He heard different objects being moved, metal touching cheap marble, running water in the sink. The sound and its normality relaxing him once again. He breathed in and let his buzzing mind follow his trail of thoughts. Before he knew it, he was deep in one of them.

Standing frozen at the entrance of his school at 17, alone in this world, and by choice, thank you very much. It was the last day of the year, everyone buzzing and pushing past him as summer and anticipation ran through their blood. He liked the warmth, but he hated everyone there. So he walked away.

No one had found him for a week after that, the police were called to look for him. He was stoned out of his mind in an abandoned building site, and when an officer arrived, he remembers his heart starting beating, fast. A completely mental thought guiding him to stand up. It was dark, the police officer commended with a shout to move his arms above his head. He had a different idea in mind. 

before he knew it, he was lashing out towards the officer to the haze of blasting noises, gunfire and warm feeling pulling in his gut. He remembers laughing as he jumped towards the officer, he'll remember his scared face for the rest of his life. He thinks this was one of the only times where he felt this thrill, the energy bursting from his body as he runs past the officer, not even realizing he had a bullet stuck right in his left shoulder. That was the only time he was ever close to death, and even with a gun pointed directly to his temple later on in his life, somehow the trigger was never pulled.

He never intended to hurt the officer, he just intended on endangering himself. That’s not what the court had decided thought. And as he stood in court, mother tired and ashamed and sister nowhere to be seen, the words 'Teen criminality and danger to society' left the judge's mouth. A year in a teen prison, and the prohibition to see his little sister until she turns 18. The sister HE raised, not his drunk mother, not his absent father. He did. 

Well, that was about it. The road into multiple suicide attempts and countless prison fights has already started beneath his feet, and he walked, and walked, scrawny and lean as he was, and every single time he stood up, still alive, to his grave disappointment. The thought of seeing his sister again might have held him in check around the first month in prison, but then…

A hand reached behind his back, cutting his trail of thoughts. The hand was offering him a plate with a toast and two scrambled eggs.

"Breakfast" 

"Thanks"

Dick made his way around the couch and set beside him, eating in silence. The meal was a pleasant surprise. He must admit, he really did not imagine the Dick he's been reading about to be this… Kind. As a matter of fact, Ezra read about Dick quite a lot, gaining an ever-growing collection of the horrors he's been through with the people he loved most. He knew he was alone in this world, but he never imagined him to be actually… Normal. He imagined a punisher-like figure, seeing only smeared photos of his well-built frame in sketchy local newspapers. He peered at Dick through the corner of his eye. He had something about him… Something that was as melancholic as it was charming.

"I've got a massive shit" 

Dick laughs at that and almost drops his plate to the floor.

"Toilet's on the right, the first door you see, love" 

As Ezra stands up while leaving his plate behind him on the couch, a small smile creeps to his lips as well.

Dead or not, he still might enjoy his stay.


	4. The outside world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "A thought resurrected in his hangovered mind: He really doesn't want to go to his house alone"
> 
> In which Ezra is soft and still habgovered.

As he takes said massive shit, a thought resurrected in his hangovered mind: He really doesn't want to go to his house alone. House was a pretty word for the junkie cave he has been living in for the past couple of months. People there were the scum of the fucking earth, but it was free and he had drugs, so he managed.

Flushing the toilet and washing his face, he caught a glimpse of what he is on the outside. It disturbs him for some reason. He had weird glossed eyes that made anyone near him uneasy, like there was something a bit psychotic about him, and there was. He wasn’t scared of death, in fact, death was never an option. He looks at the scar starting to formulate on his neck as a result of his last suicide attempt, right before breaking down completely, having a fit of absolute mania and then racing up the hill on which stands the house of the man he didn’t have the balls to meet up with, up until yesterday.

That man… Was a literal alcoholic cinnamon bun.

Ezra pushed that thought away, and came out of the toilet. Dick was watching the telly, a cup of coffee in his hand.

"Made you one as well" he mattered matter of factly.

"Can you come with?" 

"Sorry?"

"Need to take my shit, it’s a real hell hole down there" 

Dick's confused expression has softened at that.

"I really shouldn't get out of this house, mate"

"They are all junkies anyway, dying of you or dying of an overdose, doesn’t make much of a difference"

"Our world view is rather different, it seems"

"I just need my clothes, I don’t like that place either, we'll be quick"

Dick nodded at that, and got up from the couch. He picked up a knit jumper from a hanger next to the door and said: "But I'm staying away from anyone who's not you" 

Ezra nodded at that.

"They really are not the kind of people you'll ever want to get close to"

"Why did you, then?"

"They have drugs"

"Obviously"

"It's not like you're all clean and sober" 

Dick remained silent at that.

There it is, out in the open.

In so many ways, they were so much alike, complete opposites of the same spectrum. They have found coping mechanisms to cope with their curse, and now it's clearer than ever. It hasn’t been even 24 hours and Ezra knows that Dick understands him better than anyone ever could.

Ezra shifted and walked out the door, leading their way in silence, mindful of choosing abandoned roads for Dick to feel comfortable. This place in town was rubbish, completely forgotten by human civilization, and somehow, they both found their way into this side of town, just a couple of streets and broken pavements away from each other. Ezra cringed at his thoughts and how he wasn’t able to shut off the poetic emo that lived rent-free inside of him. Yet again, he kind of was a poetic suicidal emo that had started living rent-free in someone else's house. He glanced over at Dick, that seemed a bit silly in his grandpa jumper, surrounded by absolute ruins. It suits him.

"What?" Dick asked, annoyed by their last spoken interaction at the house.

"Wicked jumper"

"Fuck off"

"I mean it" was all he said. They were close enough now.

"Buckle up mother fucker"

"Wha…"


	5. The junkie cave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Before Dick could even finish his question, a loud scream was heard from the half-built house"
> 
> In which Ezra goes back to a very dark place, thankfully, Dick is with him.

Before Dick could even finish his question, a loud scream was heard from the half-built house to their right. A thin, sick-looking man greeted them and loud rock music was heard for miles in the empty street. He had dark circles under his eyes, a bit nastier looking than the ones Ezra had himself, and as the man approached him, Dick instantly backed away.

"Eziiiii, told you you'll be crawling back on all fours, nothing's as golden as our gold!" the man smirked sickly.

"Back off, Stan"

"Who's that faggot you’ve brought with you, eh?"

"Should I remind you who gave you that black eye yesterday night, you prick?" Ezra asked through gritted teeth.

"Told you Ezi, no faggots allowed…" he smirked devilishly and tsked his tongue at him "With the exception of you, of course".

Stan got dangerously close to Ezra, smelling like too many nasty nights he wishes to forget. He wants to vomit only thinking about them.

"Forgot my clothes. BACK OFF" he warned, and Stan moved away, not stopping smiling.

Ezra made his way into the house, Dick following close behind him. The house was a wreck, louder music from the inside, rooms with no doors and people discarded and forgotten everywhere. Some were half-conscious, some completely blacked out. Some were probably dead, overdosed and lying on the staircases or in a dark corner. Dick followed as Ezra started climbing the staircase in front of them, taking a right at the second floor and entering a small room with a flowy curtain instead of a door. 

"Dorothy…" said Ezra, approaching a young woman with a slight belly lying on an unmade, torn bed.

She made a discontent noise and rubbed her eyes.

"Ezra?"

"It's me, Dot"

"For fuck's sake Ezra, I've finally got to sleep"

"I'm sorry… Wanted to say goodbye" 

"You're leaving?" she sounded shocked. Then she turned her head towards Dick, a smile creeping up her tired face.

"Oh… I see…" she trailed off and then continued "Finally chasing your little gay homicidal wet dream, are you?"

"Just suicidal, Dot" Ezra chuckled and nodded his head in disbelief. He genuinely loved the woman.

"Yeah well… He's homicidal" she pointed at Dick.

"I assure you, love, I'm not, but if I'll stay here for another minute, I can guarantee you, you'll die"

"You have a beautiful soul, Dick, but I'm already dead" she said with a smile and closed her eyes.

Meanwhile, Ezra got to picking up his clothes and packing them in a used rubbish bag, mostly black shirts and trousers, a couple of jewellery and one suspicious syringe. He knew it looked bad, but he didn’t talk to Dick at all, explanations later, he wanted to get out of this shit show as fast as humanly possible. He gave Dorothy a final hug before leaving the room, and rushed downstairs with Dick following him. Almost out, almost feeling the cold clean air of the hills that lead to his new home, his eyes caught a bunch of kids standing in a messy circle, in the middle of it, no other than Stan.

"Fuck… Hold this" Ezra said and gave Dick his bag of clothes.

"What are you doing?!" Dick asked, bur Ezra already locked his eyes with the bag in Stan's hand.

"Stan!" he shouted, the sick man turning with a large grin.

"Coming for a re…" his question was stopped by Ezra's punch colliding with his face.

Stan took a few shaky steps backwards and laughs, the kids all ran without being able to grab their desired bag of fucking shite. Then, Stan stormed in Ezra's direction, grabbing him by his shirt and falling on top of him. Ezra wants to vomit and run as the man above him managed a hand on his healing neck with a strong chocking grip.

"Ugh!!!" Ezra screamed, the stinging of the grip on his fresh wound sending his back arching from the broken pavement. He sees black, knowing death is not possible but feeling the pain all around his head and face nonetheless, as Stan's unstable and manic punches landed on him. Suddenly, he hears a roar, like an actual lion had come running frantically towards them, pushing Stan off of him. His vision is blurry as he sees Dick in the corner of his eye. He was… an animal. Going all out, punching and shouting, spit coming out of his mouth as he stopped himself with his fist mid-air and with a last shout on his breath, he lets Stan go. Then he was offering him a hand. When he gets his mind to focus, he sees no sign of Stan.

"Where…" he managed, breathless.

"Ran into the house" Dick stated with slight shame on his face.

Before Ezra could reply, a sharp scream of terror pierced their ears. As on cue, they both ran inside. Ezra's mind was racing with fear, thrill and adrenalin from the pain and the smell and it all came crashing down when he saw the image in front of him. And what an image that was. Stan's body was thrown casually onto the staircase, head bleeding, hand completely broken from being stuck between two bannister pieces, a few broken ones are atop of him as well. He wasn’t breathing. Dick looked like he was about to faint, looking back and forth between Stan's body and his own bleeding knuckles. All Ezra could do was smile darkly. Letting an urge lead him, he bent down and grabbed the bag Stan was holding, and when he stood up, he just spat at him, expression full of hatred. It's time to get the fuck away from this shit hole.


	6. The following night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Nothing's gonna hurt you baby  
> As long as you're with me you'll be just fine…"
> 
> In which they fight, a lot.

They walked in silence until the broken pavement started to change into a muddy path. He was furious, and not nearly drunk enough to even begin to process what they’ve been through.

"I haven’t killed anyone in 5 years" he finally managed, the words shaky.

"Well, you did now, thank you for that"

"Thank you? Thank you, Ezra?!" 

"That man was an absolute dickhead, so yes Dick, thank you very much!" Ezra said angrily, leading them to a stop.

"You… You liked this… You fucking smiled…" Dick breathed out and grabbed his forehead "I'm not enjoying fucking killing people! Any kind of people!"

"Well, I fucking do!"

"What… What the fuck are you talking about…"

"You know what Dick? For the past couple of months, that man did almost everything he pleased with me, I was so fucking drugged that I didn’t even fucking care! But he touched Dorothy… Since she was only fucking 13, and he would have done it again! Maybe I'm fucking mental, but I don’t regret any of it! We needed my clothes, we got them, we're out of trouble and no one could ever link us to any of this. Why the fuck are you so fucking mad?!"

"Why am I mad?! You used me, Ezra, people are dead!"

"Oh, I see, people who sell drugs to kids on the street are good to go, I suppose"

"How are you different? You do them yourself!"

"At least I don’t sell them to fucking kids and ruin the rest of their lives" 

"She was pregnant Ezra, pregnant, for fuck's sake! He was probably the father!"

"Probably would be a shit father anyway!"

"I can't fucking believe this" he panicked and glanced at his knuckles again.

"you don’t have to" Ezra spat.

Dick started walking again, Ezra stuck where they just argued. He was determined to reach his house and have some peace, try to stomach what had happened, but then he reminded himself of the bag in Ezra's hand. And his revelation in regards to Stan. This day was all too fucking much, and as much as the fact that Ezra is alive is an actual miracle, he didn’t want things to start escalating. Curse his good nature and his inability to leave a 'sexual assaulted drug addict who wants to die' out in the cold. So, he turned.

"Are you coming or what?" 

"Thought I'm no different than these scums" 

"Shut the fuck up with your pity bullocks and start moving" Dick said angrily, it was a bit harsh, but it worked. As he started moving towards the house, he heard muffled footsteps behind him. He signed deeply as they reached the house, happy to feel a bit of warmth and a bit of relaxation after everything they’ve been through. 

"What do you want for lunch… Or… Dinner, it's that late isn’t it?"

"Won't need nothing" Ezra replied as he made his way towards the shower and took his shirt off, checking the severity of his newly opened wound. Dick was following his actions closely.

"If you're going to shoot that rubbish on my couch, you will have a decent fucking meal beforehand, mate" 

Ezra moved his gaze to him at that, his features soft it the dim shower light. He was completely beaten up, purple marks and everything, but his gaze was strong. Dick didn’t move, bright eyes locking with Ezra's brown ones. Eventually, Ezra is the one to break their eye connection with a grunt. He reached for his pocket and pulled out a fag. Pulling a lighter as well and breathing in the smoke deeply. He looked a bit more relaxed.

"Fine…" he groaned.

"Lovely" Dick smiled. 

He glanced quickly at Ezra's neck, his tight necklace made of rhinestones and wood, his pierced ear, the cigarette dangling from his mouth, and eventually, shouting at himself to focus because what the fuck, that nasty wound.

"You'll need everything there is in here" Dick said with a knowing look, opening a drawer with different medical equipment and a first aid kit.

"Thanks"

Now that he thinks of it, Ezra's not that scrawny after all. he had some muscle, and if the fight earlier is any indication, he had ambition. Dick was curious which bruises and scars were Ezra's depression, and which were a mere side effect of his bravery, or stupidity, depends on how you look at it. Ezra inhaled the smoke deeply, and in an instance, Dick could understand fucking everything. Seeing his bent-up stance, his smoky look, the fact he literally wasn’t scared of death… He looked a bit like… An Asian thug, really. They were both traumatized lost men who saw too much shit.

He leaned against the bathroom doorframe and crossed his hands at the thought. That earned him a questioning look from Ezra. Dick breathed deeply.

"Sorry" was all that Dick managed.

"The fuck are you on about?" Ezra looked even more confused.

"I didn’t… I didn’t know about Stan, this whole thing was too much…" he breathed and moved his head towards the bathroom window "And I don’t regret any of it as well, I… I'm glad I was there, I really am" he said finally, not looking at Ezra.

He heard an ironic huff of breath and when he turned his head to look, he saw a smug smile on Ezra's beaten face.

"I've been through so much shit, Dick" he nodded his head darkly from side to side.

"I know" 

"These kinds of scums deserve to fucking die" he spat.

Dick nodded at that, not willing to get into another moral fight over values. They simply won't agree on certain things, no need to bring it up in Ezra's sour state. He went to the kitchen to start preparing the vegetables he's about to put into the stove. So much time alone had thought him many skills, including combat, as he proved earlier, and cooking. He never had a real person to train with, and washing his hands, he got a clear view of his bloody knuckles. Today's event came crashing down on him as he tried clearing his head. Cooking was good for that, he must admit, but as he breathed deeply he knew that this was another issue, another monster he'd have to deal with, sooner or later, his anger.

He heard the water start running in the bathroom, a hiss on Ezra's breath as the hot water probably touched his neck. There's no knowing how many times this lean man had gone through a fight like that, the thought made Dick uneasy. He couldn't help but wonder: What now? Are they going to just live side by side until Ezra dies, or is there more to this faithful connection than that? He will have to talk to Ezra about that eventually, but for now, he was just happy to smell his shampoo and seeing Ezra in a clean new white shirt and black joggers. He still looked like rubbish, but at least he was clean and a bit more relaxed.

They sat at the small kitchen table that really was meant just for one, but they managed. Only when they started eating, they realized how hungry they truly were after that tiring day. They ate in comfortable silence when Ezra picked up on Dick's last thoughts, somehow.

"I was thinking… What now?" he said, looking at his plate.

"Don’t know love, it seems as if I can't kill you" 

"Then, why am I here?"

"Fuck if I know" Dick snorted at that, but then became more serious "Has it ever accrued to you that I don’t want you dead?"

Ezra looked deep in thought when he finally managed his shaky answer. 

"What if… What If I start wanting to live, and that gets me killed?" 

"I don’t know how this shit works… Have you ever been happy? Had a purpose, something to live for?"

"I… I don’t know" 

Now that was clearly a lie, and Dick picked up on it, knowing that whatever walls Ezra had, they started shaking.

"What? Were you born suicidal?!" he pushed.

"Are you surprised?!" Ezra spat.

"Well, if you're not willing to tell me, then go! Leave!" Dick started getting tired of this pity bullocks.

"I still want to fucking die" he said, defeated.

"And I still can't kill you"

"Well… That makes the two of us"

And that was it. Ezra stood up, taking his plate to the sink and then walked straight to the couch, his frame now hidden by it. Dick sighed deeply as he stood up, washed the dishes and pulled out a beer from the fridge. He didn’t get one for Ezra, he heard the clicking of metal and plastic well enough. He decided not dwelling on it, it's been a long fucking day. 

As he sat beside Ezra, he saw the syringe, and a metal spoon being heated up with brown goo atop of it. The whole thing was sorrel, Ezra's arm with the tight rubber on it, his veins that seemed to be bursting out, and the slight shake of his hand as he held the lighter right beneath the spoon. Dick turned on the telly, and started gulping his own poison, the low rumbling of nonsense in the background calming his mind. He glanced back to Ezra's direction, his curiosity peaking as he finally got the needle near his arm.

"Ah…" Ezra signed, closing his eyes slowly, his head lolling backwards in pure bliss.

The sound shot straight through Dick, who started getting hazy himself, and the full view of Ezra's neck didn’t help the situation at all.

"Alright there?" he asked genuinely.

When Ezra opened his eyes, only turning his head, his pupils were blown.

"Shit… Dick…" he breathed incoherently, then he turned his head towards the ceilings "It's so good" he breathed and closed his eyes once again.

It might be a grim situation, but it was nice seeing Ezra content and smiling, for a change. Ezra started humming in his chest, it was… a song.

"Nothing's gonna hurt you baby  
As long as you're with me you'll be just fine…"

He drifted into silence yet again after that, but his voice still lingered in Dick's mind. The image of Ezra sitting next to him, fully relaxed, neck exposed, bruises and cuts, and the man fucking sings. Dick made himself a mental note to check what song was it when he's not drunk, because all he could manage now was a rumbling that somehow Ezra seemed to understand.

"You'll… Be alright?" Dick asked.

Ezra smiled at him and sang again:

"As long as I'm with you I'll be just fine…" 

Dick had a hard time believing these were the real words of the song, but he smiled back and got up, tipsy and sluggish.

"Goodnight Ezra" 

"Goodnight Dick"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song featured in this chapter:   
> Nothing's Gonna Hurt you Baby, by Cigarettes After Sex


	7. The following morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I… I have a sister"
> 
> In which Ezra is finding a bit of a purpose, and Dick is a supportive husband.

It was good, it was fucking marvellous. As the golden goo spread through his veins in bursts of pleasure and numbing feeling that sent shivers down his spine, he felt Dick's eyes on him. He was hardly conscious, carefree would be an understatement, but he might’ve stretched his neck out on purpose. He knew he didn’t have a lot more left, the bag he took from Stan being an amount for literal children and all. The thought spread anger through him before it became phased and evaporated into the cloudy atmosphere around him. That’s what he loved about heroin so much, you just become a numb version of yourself, and that was that… The perfect escape.

The mornings… They were a different story. He was less addicted than the normal junkie, but the tired heavy feeling, accompanied by cold sweat and shivers, were never a pleasant experience. When he woke up from a nightmare so fuzzy and heavy he couldn’t remember, the smell of coffee and fried eggs invaded his nose. It wasn’t pleasant, he was nauseous, tasting vomit in his mouth as every pained mark from yesterday made its existence very clear. Another pained morning on this couch, he was starting to get used to it.

"I don’t even know what to bring you, love" he heard Dick from the kitchen.

"Nothing" he rasped, eyes still closed "Probably won't be eating for days now" 

"Not on my watch" Dick snorted, clearly not understanding that that was heroin.

Truth is, it was everything. Better than sex, better than life, better than the most expensive food money could buy. When you're on it you have everything, when it's out of your system, you have nothing. His experience began in prison, of all places. First as an act of kindness of one of the inmates, then, as a coping mechanism, the shit you see where it’s a men's world only… And not even men, they were teens, kids, no morals, nothing to live for, a jungle of hormones and anger and blood and discovery of everything he could possibly discover. He winches at the thought, god, some things he wishes he never discovered.

He felt a hand on his shoulder next, shivering at the touch that followed that one particular dark thought.

"Sorry" Dick said, worried.

"It's like that man… It'll take a while" Ezra said, a bit shaky.

He felt Dick leaving him be. The rest of the day was blurry, reality and dreams mixing together as he came down from his high. He remembers opening his eyes a little, sun annoyingly on his face again, of all places, and hearing grunts and huffs of hitched breath. Dick was working out right next to him. His workout consisted of the regular pushups and crunches, but also of weird yoga and martial arts. It was like a dance, beautiful really, and the only calm thing Ezra could focus on as his body shivered against his will. 

"What do you need martial arts for?" he mumbled in his half-conscious state.

"Well… Just because I can kill anyone, doesn’t mean I can't get killed" 

"Who will want to kill a lonely man that lives on a hill?"

"let's hope we'll never find out"

Quick snaps of yesterday's fight scene flashed in his mind, but his mind went on another direction… 'We'… A promise, but was it a good one or a bad one? If he wanted to die, it certainly was bad news, but the more he thought about yesterday's conversation, the more his lie stings on his tongue. There was one thing that always made him keep going, despite it all. The thought of his sister. That was a drawer he wanted to never open, and yet, he came running to it anytime things became too complicated to handle. Sure, he turned his back on the idea a long time ago, resorting to drug abuse and suicide attempts, but that drawer was never fully closed. That’s because he couldn't ever close it for good. He didn’t know what happened to her after he had been taken away.

His train of thoughts got cut off by Dick's continuous pained huffs, he was sweating, shirtless, and buff, actually really fucking built. Guess boredom does that to a man. His brain protested as the wheels inside started rolling and twisting. What if… That was a very dangerous question now, wasn’t it? What if he stays, what if they go looking for his sister together, what if they actually find her, what if he dies, what if he teases Dick right here and now, shirtless and sweating and…

"Stop it" 

"Didn’t do anything" he smiled at him directly, smugly.

"Can hear your brain and it's really fucking loud" he breathed heavily "And you're looking at me like I'm a bag of crisps and you're stoned out of your mind, love, which… fine, fair enough, but you shouldn’t eat crisps, you see… you should eat your fucking healthy lunch"

Ezra chuckled at that, it was nice that Dick was getting comfortable with him that soon, and seems to truly get him, so he decides to break another wall, or at least drill a little hole in it, letting whatever that’s left inside him drape bit by bit.

"Thought about yesterday's conversation"  
"Oh?" Dick immediately left his workout and turned to him.

"There is something…" here it goes "I… I have a sister" 

Dick looked completely and utterly concentrated, trying to get every bit of information possible.

"She turned 18 last year, that means I could meet her again, but my mother wouldn't let me know where she is. I… I think she lost custody after I left, she was… Fuckin horrible"

"You should definitely look for her" Dick nodded his mind slowly, deep in thoughts.

"I can't do this…" not alone, he thought to himself.

"I'd offer my help, but I really don’t want to kill your sister"

"I don’t know if she's even alive… Fuck… She could be anywhere, family genes are shit, probably took one shot too many" the thoughts shook him to his core with fear. 

At that, Dick came closer and looked at his tired brain directly.

"Stop your bullocks, I'm getting tired of this shit" he stopped to think and then continued "I'll come with you if that'll help, I'll take extra protective measures, I have a car back there, wouldn’t need to risk anyone"

A car… Investigating, road trips, the thoughts twisted in his mind and his pulse quickened, that was so weird and unusual… Having a purpose. The next moment he vomits, letting everything out right beside the couch, holding into Dicks body as he shivers.

What the fuck was happening to him?

"Right, clearly you still need to stomach it all"

"Can't stomach anything right now, really" he smiled, and Dick snorted.

"Shower, and then lunch" 

Dick helped him stand up and reach the sink of the shower, and then disappeared into the kitchen. Right… Maybe this could be his little adventure, maybe he will find what he's looking for… Careful in his thoughts and body movements, he started the hot running water.


	8. Packing and unpacking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "They were actually doing this"
> 
> In which there's more unpacking of feelings than actual packing.

They were actually doing this.

Having things packed, moving food and booze and heroin and clothes into an old Buick from the early 2000s. This whole thing was actually really fucking real. But where should they start? Ezra knew deep down that the answer lies somewhere between two cottages with identical red rooftops, a place where behind closed doors, his whole story had started taking a bad turn. He simply continued it, turn after turn, sometimes out of desperation, sometimes out of sheer amusement.

He became uneasy with the thought of his hometown and pulled out a cigarette, lighting it and looking at the fully packed car in front of him. It was dark, they were going first thing in the morning, and when he looked up at the sky, he felt something, which was making him even more uneasy. He felt Dick's eyes on him, when he turned his gaze to him, the man was deep in thoughts as well.

"I need to talk to you about something. You might’ve seen it, when I killed Stan…"

Dick turned to look at the sky, his hair in a bun, brown jumper highlighting his moonlit features. It was cold, but Ezra was more interested in listening. The silence became thick, and Dick lifted his arms into a posture Ezra had come to know as his thinking position, arms crossed, eyes glassy, face serious.

"You didn't actually kill him" he said finally.

"Well, I was going to" he said and locked eyes with Ezra. There was something beneath those eyes, beneath the warm smile and the caring gestures. There was chaos brewing that Ezra knew all too well. 

"I saw you stopping"

"I have this… Problem" 

"We all do"

Dick laughed at that and moved his gaze back into the starry, cold night.

"The difference is, I really don’t want to kill, yet somehow even when I stop and feel strong, like I've finally stopped myself and became the bigger man, it happens without my control. So, what's the point? Why not letting my anger finally get its satisfaction…?" he trailed off.

"Because you wouldn’t be able to live with yourself"

"I already can't"

Now it was his turn to laugh. He took another lungful of smoke and blew it into the air, shaking his head.

"I imagined you so different"

"Why did you even imagine me to begin with, love?" Dick looked amused.

"I thought this house will be my final destination, and instead, we're going on a fucking road trip…. I imagined you every day. A lonely man who kills everyone around him, and… I was fucking jealous. There was a time in my life where all I wanted to do is run, to kill everyone around me and run… And here you are, in a fucking jumper, and I finally get how much of an absolute idiotic fuck I've been"

They turned to look at each other, smiling. 

"For the record, I don’t think you are an idiot" Dick said, genuinely.

"And I don’t think you're a cold-hearted murderer. We have our shit, our poison, our way of dealing with things... You seem to be doing better than me actually… It's good, we're good" Ezra said, knowing these words mean a lot, considering how self-conscious Dick has been towards the subject.

He took a final drag of his fag, letting it slip from his hand and stabbing it into the ground with his leg. There were thousand other words and feeling swirling in his brain. He wanted to thank Dick for everything, he wanted to hit him and be angry at him for shoving him out of the train track he was so used to stand on, waiting for the train to come. He was worried, and hopeful, and scared and confused, but it was the thrill of adventure that he tried to hold on to, and that might be the best solution for the likes of him. So he huffed at the sky, and turned to the house.

"Goodnight Dick"

"Goodnight Ezra"

It was only after an hour or so when he finally heard the back door closes and Dick stepping inside, silently walking to his room and shutting the door behind him.


	9. Road trips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "They were entering a neighbourhood that could be nice, houses identical, red rooftops, it had quite a modern look. But this was not a nice neighbourhood, not at all" 
> 
> In which... You know what? They're soft in each and every one of them.

A little workout, breakfast, toilet break, and final packing later, they were seated in the car, Dick driving, Ezra in the passenger seat. He didn’t want to get into how important last night was to him, or his solo drinking session that followed it, so he turned his mind into another very important problem they might have.

"What if she's out of the country? What if we'll need to sleep in a hotel room?" 

His mind was buzzing with those kinds of questions that involved him getting near people, as he drove out of the scattered woods, then the abandoned part of the city, then the freeway. Ezra was busy with his own things, navigating, trying to connect his phone to the little amp they’ve brought, and thinking to death.

"I don't fucking know" he huffed.

"Sorry, I know there's a lot on your mind" he said, and kept quiet. 

It's funny how Ezra could look so fucking intimidating, wearing only a black hood, scars starting formulating and bruises changing colours, yet he can't handle a few seconds of uncomfortable silence. He was starting to get jumpy, moving from side to side on his seat and muttering curses that targeted the 'uncomfortable seat' under his breath. Eventually, he connected his phone and put on a playlist. It was nice and up bit but at the same time… angry? Dick was a big music fan, it didn’t really matter what as long as it sounds good, but Ezra clearly had a type. Of course he would.

"How's that playlist called?"

"Drunk dance party, all in caps"

"You don’t even drink" Dick smiled.

"Yeah well… I don’t like parties either" 

They continued smiling in their little box of a car, a bit more relaxed now that songs filled the air surrounding them. Some songs were incredibly dark, but mostly they were nice. Ezra started humming when a jumpy one came up, and the whole thing was sorrel. It was as if he was actually dancing in his seat, eyes closed, healing bruises and everything, enjoying himself. Dick could see he was stressed, in need of relief and a bit of fuzziness, so why not playing into the classic road trip trope? He gave in into the mindset as well, putting his sunglasses on and knowing Ezra's gaze was on him the minute he did so.

"In the valley where you wake up every beautiful day  
And the world you created in your image is golden  
Valley made of mirrors  
Oh, the light is so bright  
You can feel like a pagan  
You can feel like a pagan"

Ezra sang along and pulled out a cigarette, opening his window slightly, looking at Dick all along. The whole thing was suspiciously out of character, but as long as that cocky smile was genuine and not induced by heroin, Dick was content.

Ezra smiled at Dick as he dragged a mouthful of his smoke and continued humming, Dick nodded his head from side to side at that. It was a good song, the air was a bit warmer, and he knew that Ezra is dying bit by bit, the mindset he held his whole life about to be broken. He hoped that’s exactly what's going to happen, fear spreading in him that somehow, this whole trip will be a disappointment that will lead to Ezra's final bad turn. He made a mental note to be there for Ezra regardless of what'll happen. It seemed fitting that at any point now, Ezra will turn and want to run. Dick's not going to let that happen.

"Almost there" Dick said.

"Now that’s a way of ruining the mood"

"I'm here with you, I might not know what your mother is like, love, but we'll deal with her together" 

"That’s a relief" he sounded poisonous. God, what does a woman have to do to get that much of a reaction out of her son?

Dick remained silent at that, he was bracing himself, knowing what they're doing won't be easy for Ezra.

"Why are you here, actually?" Ezra moved his gaze towards the window. He sounded genuine, like he was scared of the answer yet really wanted to know, something in his voice even sounded hopeful, like he wanted Dick to say something that will make this slightly awkward situation easier. 

This whole trip was a whim of the initial idea, they didn’t think much, they just saw a target and an invitation to go on an adventure. And the fact that this adventure might be of significant importance to Ezra was very much on Dick's mind. He didn’t know why, but he felt like he wanted to help the man in front of him. The truth was that he didn’t have to be here, but he wanted to.

"I was fucking bored, mate" he smiled.

Ezra sneered at that and threw his cigarette out through the window, closing it afterwards. They were entering a neighbourhood that could be nice, houses identical, red rooftops, it had quite a modern look. But this was not a nice neighbourhood, not at all. The rubbish discarded with no afterthought at the entrance of each house was a good indication for that. They drove in silence as they both took everything in. Dogs tied up to the front porches, manic and hungry and pissing all around themselves, and couches and furniture out in the open.

"Home sweet home" Ezra huffed.

Dick brought the car to a stop as they reached the address. It wasn’t anything special in its neglected nature, it was just a bit sad, abandoned-looking, still. Ezra's hometown, Ezra's home. Well, it wasn’t anymore. He lowered his sunglasses in his hand and turned off the music, turning to look at Ezra. The man didn’t make any movement that indicated that he wants to get out of the car. Dick breathed deeply and put on a hand on Ezra's shoulder. They looked at each other directly in the eyes.

"If she's truly a bitch, I'll agree to stay long enough to kill her" he managed the joke with as much seriousness as he could gather.

Ezra cracked a smile at that, and got out of the car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song featured in the chapter:   
> Valley of Pagans by Gorillaz.
> 
> I actually made the playlist they're listening to, you can find it on Spotify:  
> DRUNK DANCE PARTY by Jake.  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3iGmPxdcVU5AW6gSWMyQmk


	10. Hi mum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Where. The fuck. Is she?"
> 
> In which Ezra goes back to his childhood home and his mother is the same old hag.

He closed the door behind him and waited on Dick to get out of the car as well. As he stepped forward, he breathed deeply, taking everything in. The smell was as bad as he remembered it, the door had the same old crack on its bottom left side, the house was still grey. The smoke lingered on his breath and he felt like smoking again, he couldn’t hide it, he mas nervous. He didn’t see his mother since his prosecution. He remembers the day he became a free man, holding onto his belongings and realizing he had nowhere to go. He remembers that bus ride, the life with a couple of homeless people, the street gangs and the fights. He felt Dick's hand on his shoulder, squeezing a little in reassurance.

He held his fist up against the door, but stopped. He inhaled sharply and moved his hand to the buzzer. He knew it will annoy her. 

"Who the fuck is this?" 

"The fucking pizza delivery!"

"Didn’t order no pizza you cunt" she opened the door.

She looked fucking horrible. Dark circles under her eyes, brown hair she didn’t take care of and she smelled of alcohol and dampness. Her expression was shocked at first, and then she shut the door closed with a kick. Ezra opened it before she could lock it, stronger than her sorry figure.

"Hi mum" he said with no expression, face to face with her in his childhood hallway.

"What do you want? I don’t have money"

"You never had any" he sneered.

She stayed silent at that, turned and walked deeper into the dim house. Ezra followed, noticing Dick wasn’t coming in, but he left it at that. It didn’t change at all, everything was as he remembered it. He didn’t feel sick, or mad even, he just felt determined, his spirit renewed by seeing his sorry excuse of a mother. Karma, the thought popped into his head. Yet again, she was always miserable, the years just accompany how it looks on the outside. 

"Who's your body gourd?" she tried being cocky.

"His name is Dick, and if he'll come in he'll kill you" he answered, not even interested in the direction in which she was going with that question. She didn’t seem impressed. She just looked… Tired.

"Look Ezra, I don’t give a fuck why you're here, I can't give you anything"

He shook his head from side to side at that. It was… Empowering. The mere thought of facing his mother frightened him, he remembers all the little hits and death glares from his childhood as if they can affect him now. But they can't. He's a grown man, a stronger one, probably more accomplished than she has ever been. These thoughts washed over him in an instance, all his hatred towards her, but more importantly, the feeling of responsibility he finally took upon himself yet again, after too many years.

"I don’t need anything from you" he said very slowly and got close to her. He knew he was using his death glare, his influence with it could be deadly and she felt it.

"I never needed anything from you" he spat out and got even closer.

She stepped back, her back hit the table behind her, all cluttered with mail and unwashed plates. She looked scared, suddenly realizing something. Her right hand touched the table behind her, and as he took another step towards her, she was pulling a gun to his head in an instance.

"Leave me alone, you monster" she breathed in fear.

He took another step in her direction, the gun now a few millimetres from his short black hair. He looked at her now, behind the metal and silver beauty pointed at his face, he truly looked at her. Scared, intimidated, probably doesn’t even know how to use it properly. He toyed with the idea of the monster part. Was this how she sees him? He was a burden at first, he was sure of that, but a monster? That might be the case for his older self, the same man that was standing tall this very instance, bruised and smiling and sure of himself and determined. He was nothing like her. Well, he always figured he had in him his father, for the most part. 

"Where is she?" he breathed in a threatening voice.

"Probably dead" she smiled back at him, like it was a joke to her, like she knew what's coming next.

But she didn’t, because he stepped right towards her and she pulled the trigger, not realizing that the gun was not even loaded. Of course, it fucking wasn’t. He grabbed it and hit her in the face with its butt with full force. He was starting to feel reality slipping away as rage filled him and made his vision go red and blurry. She was holding her bruised cheek as he grabbed her arm.

"WHERE IS SHE?" he screamed directly into her face. 

She was horrified, blinking manically and stuttering. 

"Lost custody, they took her away, and good fucking riddance!" she snapped back at him.

He let go of her arm and loaded the gun, pointing at her direction slowly.

"Where. The fuck. Is she?"

She closed her eyes now, huffing a laugh and nodding her head.

"you'll never find her, she's in Scotland, probably found her way out, high, I hope"

Ezra was seconds from pulling the trigger when he felt Dick's presence behind him.

"Who took her, what agency?" his voice was calm, Ezra held on to it like an anchor into fucking reality while he was shaking.

"Birthlink"

He felt Dick's hand taking away the gun from his hand. Reality was blurry and fuzzy as Dick led him to the car, watching him from behind all the while.

"I've found it! Your dad did! You did! She probably did too!" he heard the shouting of his mother from inside the house, knowing that never mind how weak and disgusting she was, she still managed to inject him with the fears he hated most. He regretted not pulling the trigger. He truly did.

He came to a stop in front of the car, hearing somewhere in the back of his mind his childhood door closes with a dull thud. Dick turned him around with one arm and looked at him for what seems to be ages with a concerned look.

"We're going to find her" Dick said. 

All Ezra could do is nod, everything about this place made him want to vomit, and the empowerment he felt from coming here as a stronger man evaporated completely. His mind was racing with fear and worry and with his mother's last sentence. 'She probably did too'. His thoughts got cut off by Dick getting closer, and… Hugging him.

His whole body tensed up as he froze to the touch. It's just Dick. He reminded himself. His body had muscle memory of its own, wanting to run and protect itself, but it's just Dick. He repeated that in his brain like a mantra. A thought shot straight through him: He could count all the people he ever hugged on one hand. That thought was the one that led him to finally return the hug, ignoring the dull sirens that swam in his brain and giving in. For a minute, he dared to believe that he wasn’t alone in this. He let out a shaky breath and Dick backed away, hand still on his shoulder and gaze strong. 

"To Scotland"


	11. To Scotland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It'll be a silent day  
> I share with you"
> 
> In which they're road-tripping and it's calm, for a bit.

As they were seated in the car in silence, driving past midday, he felt his gut growl at him in anger. He wanted to ignore it, but of course, Dick picked up on it.

"We should stop and eat something, love" he said with a faint smile.

It felt like they were driving for ages, hills and green fields in between crowded cities. The whole time Ezra was deep in thoughts, and missing the faint warmth of Dick's reassuring hug. It was truly scary how affection depraved he was, and how he craved it with no shame. Dick hid the gun carefully in the back of the car, Ezra didn’t complain, he didn’t care about breaking the law, and for obvious reasons, neither did Dick. Speaking of the man driving and cursing ever so often when someone was doing idiotic turns on the road, he treated him… Differently. 

Ezra couldn't point a finger on it but the atmosphere surrounding them was heavier and less comfortable. That made him immediately self-conscious. The moment he let his guard down and showed Dick a real part of himself, of his past, of his behaviour, everything went cold and awkward. He felt his old habit of building walls coming to life with a renewed force. He exhaled in frustration at that.

"What is it?" Dick looked concerned.

"You" he huffed.

"What?"

"Never mind" 

"No, fucking tell me, what's wrong?"

"You… You don’t talk to me normally, you treat me differently" he admitted eventually.

"Well sorry for not knowing how to talk to someone who almost shot his mother in the head" Dick seemed like he was fighting the urge to laugh.

"I should have done it"

"See? That’s exactly what I'm talking about! Look, love, I don’t care, I'm here to help and your anger is justified, but I'm not letting you do things you'll regret!" 

There was a moment of silence between the two of them, until Ezra finally answered.

"Okay" 

"W… What? Are you serious?" Dick's expression hardened at that, looking concerned yet again.

"Yeah, I fucking am, you were all silent and shaken up… I thought I actually scared you, man"

"So, you were actually waiting for my lecture?!" he was practically laughing. 

"What if I was?!" Ezra felt his cheeks starting to burn with embarrassment.

"You're so fucked up, mate" he nodded his head with a smile.

Ezra only smiled back. This was nice, the fact that he actually brought it up and didn’t hold onto it for the rest of the day, causing himself a stomach ache. He wanted to know that everything was okay, that regardless of his dark thoughts and tendencies, Dick will be there to lecture him but most importantly, to help him.

His mind went to the moment he felt Dick's presence behind him, strong and warm and sure of himself. In his blurry reality of anger and fear and mania, the voice of reason that dug up their next clue, was his. He wanted to thank him, but never found the words, because before he could try, Dick was coming to a stop at a gas station.

"Bring me a salad, love, would you?" he asked and handed Ezra his credit card.

That was… New… Trying his best not to dwell on the trust Dick has in him, he went out into the station and bought themselves some food and water for the rest of the drive. He ignored the weird looks he was getting for his healing bruises.

When he came back, he saw that Dick was parked at the far end of the station, view to a green field with scattered cows in it, boot open. He was sitting there, watching the view. It was all so peaceful, Ezra couldn't help but smile. Dick was the kind of man who belonged in this kind of scenery, his built yet modest nature, his hard-working attitude, his blond hair in the wind surrounded by the grey sky and the green all around, what an image.

"I really don’t want to return to that crisps bag metaphor, love, but I'm starving" Dick smiled at him and cut off his train of thoughts.

Ezra sat beside him at that, and handed him his salad and bottle of water. They ate in silence, knees almost touching and soft wind in their hair. He felt for a minute there as though he was… Calm.

"We should probably think about our sleep arrangement" Dick said, looking at the field with glassy eyes.

"Well, we could sleep in the car" Ezra said, finished with his sandwich.

"Or, I sleep in the car, and you get yourself a room somewhere. It'll be rather uncomfortable" 

Somehow, it didn’t even sound to Ezra like Dick is trying to convince him, it was as if he just said the words shallow on purpose, because he had to say them, but left the entire idea with no true intent behind it. He caught himself swirling in his thoughts and figuring that maybe it was only his imagination and wishful thinking. Regardless of when the whole wishful thinking business started, now it became quite clear to Ezra, but he still was not able to admit it.

"Let's see how far we go, and decide when we stop for today" he finished and left it at that.

Dick nodded and finished his salad with a small smile on his face. Was he… Were they… He growled at himself in his mind. This needs to stop. Maybe a room somewhere is not that bad of an idea. He thought, but not for a moment believed in it. They closed the boot behind them, Dick saying his farewell to the cows and getting into the car. They had a new stack of treats and sweets and water, so the few more hours it'll take for them to get to Scotland will be more than bearable, he thought. 

It was Dick's turn to put on a playlist, and he chose a dreamy one, it was almost enchanting combined with the trees they’ve passed, and the slowly approaching sunset. The day swirled in his mind, his mother, his conversations with Dick, his golden hair and the evergreen. Ezra felt himself drifting away to the slow sounds and deep baselines, hearing the soft, gruffy voice of the singer putting him to sleep.

"It'll be a silent day  
I share with you  
Fighting off the hostiles  
With whom we collude  
Hoping to  
Find the key  
To this play of communications  
Between you and me"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song featured in the chapter:  
> Hostiles by Damon Albarn
> 
> I made this Spotify playlist too:  
> DAYDREAMING by Jake.  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/56ul7MTwj4bQIAVgRNxMUV


	12. Night in the woods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "His thoughts regarding his relationship with Ezra are not new to him, but the fact that he's willingly and openly contemplating them certainly is"
> 
> In which Dick is in gay panic.

When Ezra slept, he seemed the calmest. Eyes closed, no expression on his face, long, black lashes and the not-so-bad looking bruises that started to fade away. It was well past the beautiful, warm sunset, and Dick started to feel tired. They were in the middle of nowhere. A field full of sheep on the left side of the road and a forest on the right. The darkness was immense, and the countryside is not exactly known for making it easy to drive at night. Dick slowed the car until he found an entrance to the forest. It wasn’t the smartest idea, but they were well protected. This whole curse situation beginning to come in handy. He parked the car and with that, Ezra was startled back into reality.

"Good morning, love" he smiled at him.

"Fuck off"

"I see you've exchanged the couch with a car seat, yet the reaction is just the same"

Ezra smiled at that and stretched.

"So… Car it is" Ezra said tiredly, but he sounded surprisingly content.

Actually, no, Dick wasn’t even surprised. He went out and started preparing the car for the night, trying his best to flip the seats so they’ll have as much flat surface as possible. That proved to be a lot harder of a task than he imagined. While doing so, he returned to his original line of thinking. Ezra was a decent guy, he had his problems and fundamental disagreements with him, but he was good-hearted and in need of serious help he wanted to give. In the few days in which they were up each other's ass, he got close to him, really close.

That’s what he feared most. It wasn’t the closeness, but its source. He was desperate for human interaction, for human warmth and touch, he was alone for so long and he knew that the same is true for Ezra. That was the original concept when he let Ezra into his house. He didn’t want this trip or even just this night to be their sorry excuse for having something more, he wasn’t that kind of a guy. He didn’t even know if there is something more to be discovered, and the last thing he wanted is to traumatize Ezra even farther when he was already burdened enough with his new purpose.

Ezra came to the back of the car and leaned over the open boot, lighting up a cigarette that was the only source of light except for the car itself. That image, the soft orange light on his face, Dick was in deep shit and he swore that very instance to keep his distance. This shouldn't be happening, not now, not after barely a week of knowing the guy, not when they are tired and hungry and in the middle of the woods in north England. He wanted to drink so badly, but was too afraid it'll only make things even worse.

"What's up your ass?" Ezra side-looked at him.

"No way to sugar coat it love, how the fuck are we supposed to sleep in here without automatically spooning each other?"

"I'll be the big spoon than" he smirked devilishly.

He only sneered at that and finalized the preparation of the surface in front of them. Well, it wasn’t that bad, they could manage. He jumped in and reached for the actual bag of crisps Ezra bought at the gas station. 

All of his thoughts regarding his relationship with Ezra are not new to him, but the fact that he's willingly and openly contemplating them certainly is. Maybe it’s the closeness of seeing what ticks Ezra, what makes him move and act, and the way that he was willing, after such a rough life, to take that slim lead towards… Responsibility? Happiness even? Who knew, all that Dick could think about is how happy he was for Ezra to take that step. Ezra got inside as well after throwing the butt of his fag, sitting opposite to Dick.

"So, tomorrow we're in Edinburgh?" he asked.

"Brace yourself for the most beautiful accent upon the face of the earth, love" Dick smiled at him in between crisp chewing.

Ezra sneered at that and made himself comfortable on the slightly uneven surface below them. Dick took that as a sign to go out and pee before closing the boot. It was freezing outside, but the experience of peeing while seeing a clear sky with no light pollution was worth it. His body was full of anticipation and stress. Just get through tonight, no funny business. He came back and closed the boot. The lights in the car turned off automatically at that. They were both lying there, faces towards the ceiling of the car, shoulders brushing against each other.

"It's fucking cold isn’t it?" Ezra shivered.

"Yes, it is" he breathed shortly.

"Now you're the one that’s cold, what's wrong?"

"Look Ezra I just… I'm tired" he huffed.

There was a silence for a moment, he heard the racing thoughts of Ezra colliding with his own. Are they doing something? Should they stay silent? It was cold and all Dick could think about is Ezra and his warmth. His mind flashed to the night after they visited the junkie cave, Ezra's body, scars, his life story. He wanted to grab his own shoulders and shake himself.

"Goodnight Dick"

"Goodnight Ezra"

A few moments have passed, they were both in complete silence but nowhere near falling asleep. The air was just too heavy.

"Dick…" Ezra almost whispered

"That’s my name"

"Thank you" was all that Ezra said. And he turned his back to him.

He felt himself drifting away, the sounds of the forest echoed and distant while Ezra's breathing was just next to him. Thoughts swirling around into a quieter place, where there's no Ezra, no tension in every muscle, no crickets and squirrels and owls. He was alone there. And for a change, he liked it that way. 

That didn’t last long, though. He was waking up before the sunrise, closer to Ezra than intended and feeling as though he's choking on his own feelings. He had to get away for a while. So he did.


	13. The tortured saint

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He wanted to physically slap himself in the face"
> 
> Gay panic but it's from Ezra this time.

Ezra woke up just past sunrise, he figured that by the last pink lining biting at the slow clouds. He was alone. When he got out of the car, Dick was nowhere to be seen. he tried not thinking about it, but his mind and heart were racing. He prepared himself and changed clothes, and started chewing on a biscuit out of a little box he bought. That satisfied his hunger, but not his racing mind. Neither did the fag, or the smoke, or the slow stroll he took, making his way on a marked road into the forest.

He wholeheartedly thought that that was what Dick wanted, and to be honest with himself for once in his life, he wanted that too. It wasn’t with any fear, or doubt, or the alarms going off in his mind sounding like fucking sirens and air horns. But he felt this attraction from day one. Not just a physical attraction, it was the fact that he was so… Stable, built, strong and calm. He was kind to him and helped him. He couldn't say half of those things about anyone in his life, and he's not willing to give that away.

Was it too fast for Dick? Were they just friend? It could be it, and Ezra would have completely understood it, but he knew he could only even think of it freely after a week, how long will it take for them to actually confront their feeling? Or was it just his? Was he just thinking to death while his 'friend' simply woke up earlier and didn't want to bother him? He wanted to physically slap himself in the face. Thankfully, Dick was just returning from his own stroll.

"Morning, love" Dick smiled. His hair was a hot mess, and he was wearing a new blue jumper that made his eyes literally spark.

"Woke up cold and alone" if he can't talk about it like a grown man, he might as well be pity and tease.

"Sorry about that, couldn’t get much sleep"

"I… I'm sorry to hear that. Do you think you could drive?"

"Maybe we should stay for a few hours, there's a lake down that road, I'll take a freezing shower, that'll wake me up" he tried being as friendly as possible, but his tiredness was evident.

"For fuck's sake, Dick, what's going on?"

He couldn't deal with it any longer. Yesterday's night and Dick's appearance were all colliding in his brain and he just needed to make things right. He couldn't deal with the heavy air all around them, the awkwardness, the fact that Dick was starting to talk to him like a literal stranger where in any other situation he'll curse and laugh at Ezra's snoring or something. He was off, and Ezra wanted to know why.

"What are you talking about?" he looked shocked and confused.

"Dick, I wasn’t trying to sleep with you yesterday, I was just cold, is that clear?"

Dick looked down at that, a sad smile on his lips.

"That’s a relief" he muttered, and started to walk towards the car, to get towels.

What the fuck was that all about? He just wanted things to be normal again, to be less awkward, somehow, he managed to make Dick, what, sad? What the fuck? Ezra growled, physically, and Dick stopped in his tracks at the sound.

"Just let it go, mate" he said while turning "Whatever the fuck it is that you think or don’t think, let it go"

"How can I when you act like there's something sharp and uncomfortable up your arse ever since we got here?!" 

"I said. Let it go" Dick looked really angry all of a sudden, so of course, he had to push it.

"Dick, whatever the fuck it is, just tell me. I'm not the special little snowflake you think I am and you don’t need to fucking protect me"

"That has nothing to do with the fact that I don’t own you shit! I'm tired, Ezra, and angry, and it's none of your fucking business!"

"But it is!"

"Why is that, huh?"

"Because I fucking care!" 

Dick went silent at that, and disappeared walking towards the car. Great. Ezra felt pathetic all of a sudden, self-loathing climbing its way to his heart. Well, his cards were on the table now and there's no way he could deny it.

Dick came back a minute later, throwing a towel towards Ezra in silence. They walked without looking at each other. It felt like he finally had a chance to help Dick out, fuck, to fucking know the guy. His instincts told him to run and abandon the subject entirely, he hated the uncomfortable aura and the ramifications of his words, but he had to keep going, he owned it to Dick, and to himself. They walked in silence and reached the lake. It started to warm up as the sun shone through the leaves, but the lake was freezing, nonetheless.

Dick removed his clothes but his boxers, and without hesitation got in. Ezra did the same, but took his time because the water was fucking freezing. Dick finally turned to look at him, a devilish expression on his face. Water droplets were hugging his skin, his hair now darker and slicked back, his eyes practically burned through Ezra with their colour and strength.

"Don’t you dare" Ezra warned.

"You think you can just come here and try to get a heartfelt confession out of me, love?" Dick wasn’t himself, it was as if he portrayed a weird villain character, badly, if he might say so himself.

"Was just trying to help" he shrugged.

"Well, let me help you as well, love" Dick smiled. 

With that, he got close in seconds, spraying Ezra with freezing cold water. Ezra screamed in horror and ran outside Dick's line of attack. He heard him laughing behind him.

"I'll fucking kill you!" he growled, pushing away dump hairs from his forehead.

"Go ahead love, I'm right here" Dick spread his arms as if he was fond of the idea.

They locked eyes. There was something dangerous that wanted to come out, the line between play, violence and passion became blurry to Ezra when he looked deep into those bright eyes. Dick looked daring, waiting for Ezra's actions, all wet muscles and tan skin and chaos in his eyes. Ezra felt himself visibly swallowing the nothingness of his suddenly dry throat, catching Dick's attempt at licking the side of his lip.

"Not before you tell me what's bothering you" Ezra straighten himself up.

"You fucking spoilsport" Dick dramatically let his hands fall into the water, and made his way out of the lake and next to Ezra, to grab a towel.

"I'm fucking serious" Ezra said between gritted teeth, making a move to hold Dick's shoulder. He catches Ezra's hand midair and locked their eyes yet again. they were so close Ezra could feel every puff of air from his sentence and every shaky eye movement Dick made between Ezra's eyes to his lips and back to his eyes.

"Drop it" Dick said finally, enraged.

"I can't understand you, not if you keep on pushing me away" he said, angry as well.

Dick dropped Ezra's hand at that and sighed, his anger seemed to slowly fade away. He looked straight into Ezra's eyes.

"Whatever it is that’s happening here. It could wait. your sister, on the other hand, can't" he said with a strong gaze.

Ezra's heart skipped a bit. He wasn’t dreaming and his instincts weren’t broken, it's just that Dick is a shitty fucking tortured saint and everything made sense all of a sudden. Holy shit. He wanted to punch him as much as he wanted to kiss him right on the spot, both wet and fucked up and freezing. The movement Dick had made towards the forgotten towel pushed those thoughts aside. He didn’t know what to say, so they made their way back to the car in silence. There it was again, as they dressed up and made their way out of the forest in the old car, he felt it. Thrill, adrenalin, like he was alive.


	14. Birthlink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "After about half an hour, he saw Ezra's figure leaving the building. He didn’t move, he just stood there. And then, he began to run"
> 
> This whole thing is a mess of gay panic with angst tbh.

Did he want to punch himself in the face? Oh yeah. Could he? No, he was driving, barely managing the tiny roads of south Scotland and its overly populated small villages. They were so silent it pained him, but at the same time, Ezra's voice is the last thing he wanted to hear right now, or his own. The cunt that was now looking out of the window with a slight smile on his lips and glassy black eyes was just hours ago making them go down a path he really fucking hated. Shirtless and damp with cold water and determined. Fucking hell.

Instead of stopping to eat they just lived off of the random snacks left from their last stop, and the drive was just a long smear of green and grey and the memories of them so fucking close to each other, angry and cold. He couldn’t contain it and sighed in frustration. He reminded himself why they're here, why it's not a good idea to do anything right now, and why they should concentrate on finding a missing sister of a certain person. It was rather fucking hard when said person was not giving two shits, it seems.

"I agree with you, you know?" Ezra breathed as well, not looking at him.

"That’s nice to know"

"You prick, I'm serious. But the moment we find her, if we…"

"We will, Ezra" he cut him off.

"Okay, the moment we find her and get some time to ourselves, I'd like… I'd like to talk about it"

"Shit…" he nodded his head from side to side, eyes locked on the road.

He could feel Ezra's gaze on him, the anticipation, the unspoken words and feelings and thoughts. This is too fucking much for a man who lived alone for the past couple of years. It was just too fucking much.

He could understand Ezra, trying to make things right, practising being true to himself. He actually found a place in his heart where he admired Ezra for that exact reason. But it was tiring for him, new and alarming, and he really wanted to shut it all off. He wasn’t even sure what he's doing here anymore. Is it his kindness or attraction? Does he want Ezra to grow and concur his past, or does he just want to stay close to him? Were the two even contrary?

Truth is, he was so used to being the one that's worried for others, that wants them to be saved and live their lives to the fullest. He completely neglected the idea of happiness the moment he set foot in his forever lonely cabin. Ezra just crashed into his life and the mere idea of hope made him scared to death. He was a man who knew only loss, and he knew he pushed their relationship to the side because it's about to end. That was a grim thought, wasn’t it? But he couldn't afford to be optimistic and have his heart broken yet again. Ezra is finding a reason to live, that has nothing to do with the fact that Dick still kills everyone.

They were a couple of kilometres from Edinburgh and it was well past noon when they arrived at a parking spot right outside of the city.

"What's the plan?" he asked with no emotion.

"Let's do it today" Ezra said, determined. He pulled his phone to look for the address.

"Are you sure?" Dick questioned, finally daring to look in Ezra's direction, the man didn’t even move "Are you sure you're ready, love?"

That got him perked up, and their eyes met. Dick was genuinely concerned, and a secret voice in his heart whispered a warning. He knew that warning, he knew his selfish nature, he knew he didn’t want Ezra to go away for good. But he'll just have to manage. Ezra nodded with a slight smile directed at the familiarity of his last word.

"This birthlink place is quite shitty… It's not far, and there's a lot of construction work near it. Maybe you could drop me there and find a place to stay without getting close to anyone?"

Dick only nodded at that and started the engine once again. They navigated their way through the grey city built of familiar mellow buildings. There were a lot of homeless people and the certain kind of breeze that freezes you up. This is as grey as a city can get, yet somehow, it was comforting. Dick could hear Ezra without him even talking, it was rather annoying.

"Shut up"

"Didn’t say anything"

"You're thinking, we're going to find her, shut up"

"Yeah well, what if we do? How do we go back? Where do we even go? How do I even introduce myself? How do we make sure you don’t…" he trailed off at that.

"You’ve got to focus on finding her, everything else is bullocks, we'll figure it out" Dick said shortly.

It seemed as if the message came across, Ezra relaxed a bit in his seat, but his nervousness was still evident. Well, he couldn’t blame him. They reached an old governmental building surrounded by pure debris. It looked sketchy, to say the least. Dick brought the car to a stop in front of it and turned to Ezra. He put his hand on his shoulder, they locked eyes. Ezra's gaze was warm and grateful, as well as terrified.

"I wish you could come with me" he said in a hurry, almost in a whisper.

"I'll be right here, parking on that shit load of ruins"

Ezra smiled at that and nodded, Dick squeezed his shoulder in reassurance. It seemed to work every time, as Ezra leaned into the warm touch and relaxed. With that, Ezra got out of the car and into the building. Dick moved the car to the promised spot and waited, thoughts chewing away at his psyche. Despite his heartache regarding the situation, he still wished for this to go smoothly. He couldn’t imagine what it'll be like if something goes wrong. He truly wanted Ezra to be happy, to find meaning, to have someone in his life. The irony.

After about half an hour, he saw Ezra's figure leaving the building. He didn’t move, he just stood there. And then, he began to run.


	15. Fists and blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He was alone"
> 
> In which they fight.

He didn’t care where to, but he had to get away. He ran as fast as he could, lungs burning and legs hurting as he reached an abandoned underground parking lot within the building site. His tears blurred the edges of his vision and he felt like he was breathing fire. It can't be… This whole trip… It can't be…

"I'm sorry dear, we track the children up until they're 18, after that they're on their own. But we have the number of the family she was growing up in, would you like to talk to them?" 

His mind was racing, words echoed from the recent memory.

"Oh god, oh god… Love, there has been an accident… Her boyfriend… He was horrible"

He hears the woman's short cries one after the other in a loop, coming distorted through his cellphone.

The sounds, the stink of old cigarettes and carpeted walls, the office noises, his stomach twisted from within. He had to get away. He had to run.

"What's his name?" he hears his own shaky question.

"His name is Billy, Billy Gunner" 

He grabbed his head and came down to his knees in the empty parking lot, he could hear and feel the last half an hour over and over, the pain inside him growing with every loop that forced itself into his mind. He grabbed his head and with a scream of pain he banged it against the dusty floor, tears never stopping as he felt the sharp sting to his forehead. 

He lifted his head yet again, breathing in shakily. Before he could hurt himself again, a hand grabs his own and pulls him to stand. Dick, the presence fuzzily enters his mind. He doesn’t feel his knees as he leans on him, never stopping crying. Dick hugged him and held him, he couldn’t see a thing, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think.

"I'm going to kill him" he spat through his sobs. There wasn’t an answer. He breathed in and out, focusing on the warmth of the man in front of him, trying to stop his shaking. 

"Tell me what's happening, love" Dick almost whispered.

Ezra held him tightly and breathed shakily.

"She's braindead… For a fucking year now. I'm going to kill him" he breathed and stained Dick's jumper with more tears. 

He couldn’t believe these words were leaving his mouth. This whole trip, the hope he felt, the sense of purpose. It was all crushed in an instance. He wanted to die, to get high, to fall off a bridge into cold water and never see daylight again. The last couple of days were all stained with rage and fury now, he couldn’t believe how stupid he must have been to carelessly throw away the walls that kept him protected for so long.

He felt a growl forming in his throat, and his scream was muffled by the jumper. The man that was standing in front of him… Dick… Large and comforting and hopeful. He could only feel his rage towards him, his anger, his thoughts were racing with curses and hate towards the man. So he pushed him away, barely standing on his own, and Dick's hurt and confused expression registered somewhere in the back of his mind.

"Let me help you out, I know it's fucking hard but we're going to figure it out, love"

"Don’t fucking call me that, don’t fucking talk to me" he hissed.

"You're not making any fucking sense, I'm here for you, I want to know how can I help"

"Helping! It's always helping with you! Don’t you think you’ve helped enough?! Go away, stay away from me, I don’t need this shit, I didn’t need any of it!" he trailed off with anger, and saw how Dick's hurt expression turned to look at the floor.

"I'm so sorry" he almost whispered.

"Sorry? Are you?!" he was starting to get crazed and manic, dark thoughts swirling in his mind.

"Remind me again, why are you even here?! You probably don’t even want me to get to her! You sick lonely man!" he spat.

Dick tensed at that, muttering under his breath a small "You little shit" but otherwise, not making a single move. Ezra was hysteric, tears blurring his vision and thoughts never stopping. The hard eyes he met were hurt and strong, he wanted to fight, to let it all go, to scream himself into oblivion.

"Hit me, fucking come here and tell me how selfish I am, I want to fucking die, Dick. I know you want to hit me, fucking do it already" he screamed.

"I could kill you" he said coldly.

"Prove it! All your life you blame yourself for things you didn’t actually do. Let me be the fucking first. I can't fucking take it anymore"

"Well, all your fucking miserable life you could do something so that none of this would have happened!" Dick finally snapped.

"You abandoned a person you loved, you fucked it up, YOU did, no one else! You want to do it again, right here and now? Go ahead, love, try me, but I'm not letting you go, I still give a shit" Dick got close to Ezra with every word he spat.

Ezra growled at that and pushed Dick backwards, Dick allowed it, but remained stable.

"I didn’t ask for this, all I wanted is for you to fucking kill me!" Ezra screamed.

With that, he was pushing Dick even harder, catching him off guard and sanding them both to the floor. He lifted his fist and hit Dick once, but the man was more capable and flippered him over. His vision went black as he felt a sharp pain in his right cheek. Yes… Fucking yes… He felt himself smiling as the bruise started to formulate on his skin. He tasted blood, his lip must be torn.

"You fucking love it! Love being miserable and pathetic when you could have fucking everything!" Dick shouted from above him. Ezra felt his head dangling backwards as Dick held up his shirt. Their faces were mere millimetres from one another now.

"You could have had someone, and you gave it" he punched with his free hand "The fuck" another punch "Up!" he screamed to his face, visibly stopping himself from throwing another punch. Dick let go of his shirt, sending Ezra's hurting head and face back to the floor with force. He stood up in the corner of Ezra's blurred vision. He looked at a distant point on the floor and breathed shakily.

"Some of us didn’t even have that chance" he said grimly.

Ezra's self-loathing rippled and threatened to overcome him. He felt renewed tears spilling and hurting his open wounds. If he could, he would have killed himself that instance, he couldn’t bear to live with himself. With the knowledge that what Dick is saying is true and it's all his fucking fault.

"Do it" he whispered between shaky cries.

Dick turned his back to him and started walking slowly towards the open building site.

"Fucking do it!" he screamed after him. 

He was left alone on the floor, sobbing and bleeding.

He was alone.


	16. Hive mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The door of the passenger seat opened and startled him back into reality"
> 
> In which there's a car and they're alone there are silent thoughts.

He remembers the soft sun of British summer kissing his face as he made his way back home from the local park. He had shorter hair then, it was shaved almost completely. The blonde didn’t do him any favorers either, but he didn’t mind. 17 and a half, too sad to cry, too ashamed he didn’t. The soft music played in his earphones.

"Hive mind is scary, I feel vulnerable and stupid  
Waiting for a new embarrassment to go and tear right through me  
A dependent, fruitless, animal, watch me brimming with shame"

Beth was just 15, watching his boxing matches every Monday, cheering him on. He should have known better than to ever get close. But he let himself be hopeful. He was taking the good when it's offered, and there was so little of it, he was practically starving. He felt shame brewing in his heart, knowing he's alive… And she's not.

He took that away from her, from her family. He drank that night, but made a choice to never forget her, to never disrespect her memory, to remember her soft lips and ginger hair, her curls that went on and on, the glint of joy in her eyes. He never saw anyone who looked at him the way she did. He might be drinking himself to oblivion for the rest of his life, but he promised that no matter how much it hurts, he'll remember her.

The door of the passenger seat opened and startled him back into reality from his drunk memory. Ezra got in and slammed it closed. The playlist Dick made was on, 'Some beautiful sad songs for a beautiful sad girl'. Ezra whipped his face with his black shirt and reached to the back seat with a grunt of pain. They didn't speak, and Dick didn’t want them to. 

He didn’t speak about Ezra's bruises that needed attention and cleaning, or the bag Ezra was opening, or the preparation he made on his arm, or his silent cry when the needle pierced his skin. His neck stretched backwards, showing a long-forgotten scar from just a few days ago, and his mouth gaped slightly in pleasure and relief. He would have despised Ezra and sneer at his inability to deal with reality in a sensible way, but he was drunk himself, devoured by past songs and memories and so much anger. He grabbed a cigarette, it was Ezra's packet, but he didn’t give a shit right now. He made a gesture towards the lighter in his lumpy hand.

Ezra stood up a bit in his seat with a silent question on his dosed off face, and with his blown-out eyes, he got closer. He lit the cigarettes in Dick's mouth, keeping his eyes on it. Eventually, he moved them up to meet Dick's blue ones. Dick breathed in the smoke, and laid back against the door, keeping a safe distance between them. Ezra looked down again. As much as his reactions and movements were slowed and indicated his high, he still looked ashamed and miserable. He lit himself a fag as well and laid back against his own seat.

He was out of it, glassy expression and slow drags of his fag indicated that he was barely there. They smoked in silence to the sounds of his memories. It felt oddly exposing. He had all the reasons to kick Ezra out of the car and leave him be a miserable junkie, one of many in this grey city, but something inside him twisted at the thought. He promised to remember, it'll be hypocritical of him to so easily forget.

In his drunken state of mind, he wanted to understand what exactly made him stay here, what made him come here in the first place. He knew the truth of his attraction to the man, the fucked-up nature of Ezra didn’t scare him, it only made things difficult, but it's not like he was a walk in the park kind of person. He thought about how they differed in so many ways, it was actually a miracle they could communicate at all. But then again, they were more alike than he'd like to admit.

When he turned to look at Ezra, the beat-up man turned as well. He still had the remains of tears in his eyes. Guilt bubbled in Dick's stomach to the sight of the bruises and bleeding lip, knowing that this time it was him that caused it all. It felt like they were communicating without saying a word to each other. Ezra nodded dismissively.

"It's not your fault" he rasped, his screaming from earlier evident in his voice. 

He then moved to look at the ceiling of the car, his eyes started to water again "Sometimes… It isn’t even good"

"Why do you do it, then?" Dick asked.

"Same as you"

Dick nodded at that, he knew the answer, but for some reason he wanted them to talk, to figure things out, to solve this… It all seemed so complicated right now. They were broken, tired from their day, didn’t know what the fuck to do or where to go. But they'll figure it out in the morning. Right now… They just need to rest.

"Goodnight Ezra"

"Goodnight Dick"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song featured in the chapter:  
> Only Everyone Can Judge Me by Crywank
> 
> I also made the playlist featured in the chapter on Spotify:  
> SOME BEAUTIFUL SAD SONGS FOR A BEAUTIFUL SAD GIRL by Jake   
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1xWHhQdZhtOgIvQgZ0ANAM


	17. Revengers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "That’s hardly convincing"
> 
> In which they sober up and figure out their new plan.

He woke up with shooting pain up his back and uncontrollable shivers. Images of blood flashed his mind and the events of yesterday started to register. He made a move to try and stand up from his uncomfortable seat, but met resistance in the form of a strong hand on his chest.

"Don’t move, you're burning up, love" Dick's voice was echoed in his mind.

He felt a cold dump towel on his face, cleaning him lightly. He hissed when it reached his torn lip.

"Sorry" he heard, almost in a whisper.

"How are you never hangovered?" he rasped. The response from Dick was an educated and slightly offended chuckle.

He opened his eyes slowly, sun from the open passenger door inflating his vision until it managed to focus on Dick's face. They were concerned and concentrated on the task at hand. He wore an old T-shirt and his hair was in a bun. He had a soft purple bruise surrounding his left cheek. It felt humiliating, to be treated like this, but at the same time, he felt an overwhelming feeling of gratitude and eventually, shame.

That was the hardest one to deal with. Maybe he was blinded by his rage and disappointment, and they still brewed in his gut like a poisonous mix, but he never stopped to consider who was standing right in front of him.

That man, that never had anyone, he never spent two seconds to consider him as something worth living for… He barely knows him, but that doesn't mean he can't get to know him… He hurt him so much throughout the way, he was a prick of the highest level, yet Dick stayed. Not just that, he took care of him, he… Actually cared. His own words from yesterday echoed in his mind: 'You sick lonely man'. Fuck…

"I'm so sorry" he said, and Dick's eyes met his.

"Apology accepted" he said shortly and backed away slightly.

Something wasn’t right… Everything wasn't right... Shit… He made a serious fucking mistake. The hurt and distance Dick put between them was the evidence of Ezra's pure stupidity… 

"Dick… I didn’t mean what I said yesterday…" 

"Didn’t you?"

"Look, I was hurt, I lost control, my sister is fucking dead" 

Dick huffed at that and came back to Ezra's side through the open door. He put a hand on his shoulder and looked down.

"I know" he said eventually "And I'm sorry as well"

"Apology accepted" Ezra mocked.

Dick smiled slightly and left his hand on Ezra's shoulder a second farther than necessary, and Ezra missed that touch, that connection, so fucking much. They were walking on eggshells, bruised physically and mentally from yesterday's fight, but hope was starting to bloom in Ezra's consciousness.

"I've been awake for quite a while now… I found this motel, and rented the most distant room" was all that Dick said.

Sometimes Dick was so useful it actually amazed Ezra to his fucking core. Dick almost killed him a moment ago, leading to a night of drinking and shooting up heroin in the middle of a building site in south Edinburgh, yet he wakes up, fresh and clean, and orders them a fucking motel room. That was a fucking relief, because his back was really starting to hurt from the weird places he slept in for the last couple of days. His mind was fuzzy with the withdrawal and shivers and too much sun in his face for it to be Scotland, but he somehow managed a coherent thought.

"Are we staying?" 

"I figured you'll want to see her… Maybe find out what was her life like… I'm ruined, couldn’t drive today even if I wanted to, love" Dick scratched the back of his neck.

Ezra only nodded at that. It was thoughtful of Dick, but he really didn’t want to focus on any of it. They made their way to the motel, thankfully it was modern enough for the keys to be digital. He didn’t want to imagine what it'll be like to see a withdrawaled junkie all beat up and bleeding asking for a key. Dick supported him as they got in, and he might have relied on him a bit more than absolutely necessary.

He sat on the right bed. The room was mediocre, boring and what you would expect from a European motel. It had beds, a shower and a telly, they didn’t need anything fancy. After bringing in their clothes and belongings, Dick turned to Ezra with a question on his face.

"I… I don’t think I can do this today" he looked down.

"I get it mate, take your time" Dick nodded and entered the shower. 

Soon, the sound of the water stream swirled in his mind and relaxed him into the new environment. He knew this isn’t about just seeing her. He's about to seek revenge, regardless of what Dick will think of it. In his own twisted logic, he knew that revenge will never satisfy his self-loathing, and the fact that he gave up on a person he loved and was so selfish he forgot to seek her out the moment he could do so… Well… That shame will never fade away. He had to find that Billy Gunner, nonetheless.

Dick came out of the shower and it took all of Ezra's will power not to look up from his phone as Dick got dressed.

"Hypothetically, how will you find a person just by their full name?" he asked, trying not to give up how emotionally involved he was.

"There are apps for that, love, websites, I'm sure… Why?" 

"I was serious, Dick" Ezra looked up and they locked eyes. Here goes nothing.

Dick was putting on a T-shirt, his hair was all slicked back and in the horrible white light of the room, Ezra saw a weird looking scar on his forehead. He made a mental note to ask about it in more appropriate timing. Dick finished getting into said shirt and sat on the bed to his left.

"I'm not approving"

"Course you don’t"

"Ezra, I'm serious, what good will come out of it?"

"I get to put down the little shit that drove my sister home. While he was high"

"It's fucked up, love, I know it is, but it will not change a thing"

"I'm killing him, whether you like it or not"

"Right. get your shit together first though, you look like an uncooked chicken nugget" Dick only nodded in disapproval.

Ezra sneered at that and went to work. Finding Billy Gunner was much easier than expected. Whether he should thank the internet or Billy's fat criminal record, he didn’t know. He was 25, disgustingly pale, and apparently, very connected. Of course, she will go out with a drug dealer that belonged to one of the largest criminal groups in Scotland. He wasn’t wrong about the family genes being shit… 

Rage started fueling his movements as he looked deeper and deeper into his new target, eventually, a hand snapped the phone out of his own. He blinked at Dick with visible shock, and Dick huffed in disbelief.

"Shower, food, a walk-in nature, fresh air, sleep. That’s what you need right now. You can go back to your mastermind plan when you're recovered"

So he did all of these things. The day swam slowly as they spent it in the small room. He showered, they ordered take away, Dick forced him outside for half an hour, and he napped all through noon. He did feel better, he must give Dick that. But it was time to talk about what they're going to do. They were sitting on their separate beds, watching shit news and snacking on mediocre sandwiches and crisps.

"So… I'm going to dig around this party tomorrow, see if I can find him, his shit friends are known for selling drugs there"

"This is the most stupid shit I have ever fucking heard"

Ezra only shrugged and left it at that, but he could feel Dick's gaze burning him alive.

"And then what? You kill him with a gun? You go to jail? Is that what you want?"

"I don’t care anymore"

"For fuck's sake, Ezra, I thought you’re past that pity bullocks! Stop fucking wasting your life wishing you were dead! You're so pissed you lost that opportunity with your sister, cry me a fucking river, but you're looking straight past a new one!" he shouted.

That got Ezra to perk up, he turned to look at him. Dick looked down, looking as if he regrated what he said for a moment, but then his expression turned determined and he locked eyes with Ezra's once again.

"There comes a time when you have to start learning from your own fucking mistakes"

"I know, but I have to make him pay, and if you're going to be there…"

"Oh, so this is a job offer? I need to kill another person, you get away with no consequences to your actions, and we live happily ever after? What about the people at the party, what about the fact that I almost killed you yesterday? The only thing that stopped me was me! What about your mother that didn’t die, can science explain that?!"

Ezra looked away now, he knew that Dick was right, that the plan was full of holes and that recently, he didn’t feel immune at all. He figured it must be the sense of purpose blurring his suicidal thoughts, but clearly, Dick was noticing a change as well. Fear and worry babbled in his heart for a minute, but then the image of his sister, all grown up and breathing by the help of hospital machines, pulled him back into reality.

"If I go to see her in the hospital, will you come with me to the party?" 

He thought it was a fair offer, he knew Dick wanted him to deal with the mental aspect of his dead sister, and all he wanted is a chance to face the one that did it to her. He could see that Dick was considering it, but he was troubled by the thought of endangering other party members.

"Should I remind you? Junkies, scums, could die at any moment?"

"That’s hardly convincing"

"Yet it made you feel better" Ezra smiled, and Dick smiled back at him.


	18. The sweet escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Let's get you out of here"
> 
> In which they go to a party but chaotic as they are, they don't party that much.

Ezra was clearly comfortable with the idea, and it annoyed the shit out of Dick. They rented the room for another night, and were getting ready for the party. Both wearing T-shirts and jeans, Ezra put on a jacket and Dick stole one of his hoodies. It was a bit too tight, but he's not going to a party in a jumper. They were too old for the crowd there as it was already. 

His mind was buzzing with thoughts and questions, and he truly didn’t know how will the night end. The optimal outcome? Billy's not even there, they drink a bit, they go back to the motel. The worst one? For all he knows… He could kill every single one of them. Ezra lit up a cigarette through the open bathroom door, and messed around with his hair. What the fuck did Dick just witness… They were actually getting ready for a party… Holy shit…

The last time he went to a party… It was shit, when you're too young it's just shit. Still… He couldn't quite grasp the significance of it all. He felt guilt and shame for endangering those people, the fact that he agreed to this is truly a compromise on his own values. Maybe he was tired from it all… Maybe he wanted to go out, just for a little while… They went out, he started the car, the way didn’t even register in his mind. It seemed to him as if they were there within minutes. Fuck…

Ezra made a move to get out of the car when Dick grabbed his shoulder in a familiar manner.

"Ezra, I'm really having second thoughts here, love" 

"We'll just play the game, ask for drugs, try to get to him, the gun is not even on me, no one can blame us if something… When something happens" he smiled devilishly.

"Right. So I'm both your assassin and bodyguard for tonight"

"You absolutely are, but play it down… Maybe get drunk, it'll help with your… Stiffness" he trailed off, looking at the arm that still grabbed his shoulder with a raised brow.

He looked so smirky and smug with his stupid slicked black hair, his fag about to vanish and the pure anticipation in his eyes. Dick wanted to slap himself in the face. He was falling for a literal psycho. As they got out, slow baselines from an abandoned-looking building washed over him. Weirdly, it relaxed him as they walked towards the selector. The bearded man raised an eyebrow at the beat-up state of his face but mostly, at Ezra's.

"No funny business, I don’t care what nasty shite you lot are into" he said with a thick accent.

Ezra smiled flirtatiously, like he fucking belongs there, like he took pride in the messed-up state of his face, and whispered an almost sweet "promise" as he got in.

Dick was right behind him, pushing his way through the crowded corridor and eventually, the interior hall entered his vision, with the bar to his right. Then he saw a weird-looking dance floor, then the weird closed and half-closed booths and couches decorating every wall he managed to see. The music was louder now. He couldn’t believe he was walking among people, so many of them.

They were dancing, beautiful woman in short skirts and skinny guys in white shirts. They were laying around and sitting, chatting, shouting above the music, drinking, laughing. He felt almost drunk just from watching all of it. He wasn’t panicked, he was just… Out of it. People pushed him slightly to every direction, making their way to get a drink or dance, and he just stood there, pink lights blinding him.

"Are you okay?" he felt Ezra's hand on his shoulder before he entered his vision. 

Dick swallowed on his dry throat and nodded lightly.

"Right…" Ezra huffed with a smile and looked at him all amused "Let's get you a drink, grandpa" he pushed him lightly towards the bar.

Dick didn’t know how much time it'll take before all hell breaks loose. He didn’t know anything and all he could smell is alcohol and sweat. He let the guiding hand on his shoulder walk him towards the dirty marble of the bar. They leaned against it, and he felt like he simply didn't belong. He took a close look at Ezra, slick, imbedded in the moment, looking like a dangerous shark with his bruises and dark hair. Everything about him was dark in the dim pink light of the bar, and Dick found his stomach twisting in an uncontrollable way just by thinking about it. Ezra got closer to his side after ordering them a couple of shots. 

"You drink, I'm taking a look around" he whispered.

Dick only nodded and with that, Ezra was gone. His hot breath still lingering on Dick's ear.

Dick started doing as he was told, turning his back to the bar and looking at all the people around him. It was remarkable how surrounded he was, yet how alone he felt. A short woman with long black hair and tattoos on her arm leaned against the marbled right next to him, ordering a beer and looking at him. He turned as well, and she bit her lips. She was fucking out of it, or is that how human beings flirt these days? Before they even exchanged a word, Ezra was back, completely blocking Dick's view. He earned an angry huff from the woman, and as she received her beer she was gone.

Dick laughed at the annoyed look on Ezra's face, the same face that tracked the women until she was out of sight. He was definitely getting tipsy and more light-headed, he could feel it. Alcohol never failed to deliver, it seems. Ezra looked serious and concentrated, looking if anyone hears them. When he was satisfied, he got closer to Dick, one hand held his shoulder.

"He's here" he whispered in Dick's ear, and pretended to laugh in between his words "I need you to come with me"

Dick only nodded, his questions regarding what exactly it was that Ezra wanted to do were soon answered. They were pushing their way to a back door, it was black and almost invisible in Dick's tipsy state. They entered an even darker room. It had a desk, like a real office, as well as two bodyguards and two pale, young men who spoke with heavy accents. Ezra's plan? To be there long enough so that something happens. Brilliant. The ginger one turned to look at the newly arrived guests.

"Shit… You weren’t taking a piss" he looked amused. Dick didn’t even care to question. Drunk as he was, he was still able to take the role of the unamused bodyguard.

"Course not, I just need him to watch" Ezra managed a genuine smile, but Dick could see the manic reaction, the fire in his eyes. 

"Sure, I respect that. What district are you from?"

"Mostly just Exeter, but if it's as good as promised, we'll spread it farther for you" 

"Yeah, I wouldn’t appreciate it, man, got people all the way up to… Wait a minute, we need to check you first" 

"Of course" Ezra smiled and spread his arms.

The bodyguards checked every inch of their bodies for hidden weapons. The blond guy just sat at the desk, calculated things and scribbled in a slight hurry. Dick assumed that the ginger one was Billy, and that what they're doing here is seal a deal to be selling drugs for Billy in a place he never heard of. He really wished Ezra knew what the fuck he was doing. Billy looked satisfied after the search was done and continued his line of thought.

"So, as I said, we've got man all the way to Taunton, business is slow there, but if you think you can manage, all the power to ya" he summed up.

"If you don’t mind, then" Ezra gestured towards checking the goods. This was hardly a good idea. Dick started panicking, knowing Ezra can't fucking disappear into the abyss and leave him to deal with a Scottish drug cartel. Fuck. Everything happened in slow motion, the blonde guy pushed a small bag and a syringe towards the front of the desk, Billy took it and handed it to Ezra, Ezra made himself comfortable on the ripped chair to his right, and there's banging on the door.

Billy goes towards it, he seemed relaxed, and has other bags in his hands. And then, in an instant, he falls backwards as he slips on the wet puddle on the ground. Dick's heart stops. Billy's head hit the corner of the wooden desk directly, leaving a red trail. Then he falls to the ground, head bouncing once on the wet, dirty floor of the room. Ezra drops the bag immediately, and as he runs towards Dick, Dick's vision is blurred with light and explosion sounds. There are screaming of the girls outside, and the bodyguards that scream at them "Don’t move!" 

Oh, they should fucking move. He just runs, following Ezra. millions of thoughts are racing in hid mind. Why? How? What the fuck is happening? The man led them directly to the dance floor. 

"Holy shit" Dick whispered as Ezra hugged him tightly as they started dancing.

"Shut up and fucking pretend" he hissed.

Dick hugged him back and noticed dark liquid on his figures.

"You're fucking bleeding" his hissed back.

Ezra stepped on his leg at that, hard, and hid his face in the crook of his neck. Dick did the same the moment he saw the black-wearing bodyguards start scanning the bar.

"We have to get you to a hospital" Dick whispered.

Ezra only hammed in pain.

This is not how he imagined his first party after so long… He felt sick, and tried applying pressure to the wound in Ezra's shoulder. That earned him a hiss of pain from the man.

"Shit-faces, ruined my best jacket" he breathed with a smile Dick could feel on his neck.

Dick saw that the eyes that scanned the dance floor disappeared.

"Let's get you out of here"


	19. Sweet revenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You're the most mental shithead I've ever fucking met" 
> 
> In which don't learn how to do it, my boyfriend is a medic and he's going to kill me for displaying a stitch-at-home scene.

The sharp initial pain he felt is dull now, and he was high on his own body calming his nervous system down. Dick drove like crazy, his hand never stopping to be on Ezra's shoulder.

"They might be looking for us, don't go to a hospital" he said calmly, head rested against his seat.

"You’ve been fucking shot, Ezra, I'm taking you to a hospital"

"It's just a graze, I've almost stopped bleeding" he tried to convince Dick. 

The man in his black hoody huffed in disapproval. Then he groaned, and made a turn towards their motel. Ezra breathed in relief and closed his eyes. They did it. They made it. It felt good, it truly fueled something dark in Ezra's psyche. He didn’t care to investigate what it was in his current state. He'll need cleaning and patching up, maybe if the wound is large enough a bit of stitching, but nothing internal was hurt, the bullet missed him sorely.

As they reached the motel, Dick was momently absent, then right by his side. He helped him stand up and walked him to the room, that seemed to be a recurring theme in their relationship as well, it seems. Their relationship… What a weird timing for that thought to overcome him. But what did it matter? While Dick was doing all the work, he just sat there on his bed, breathing heavily and reflecting.

Dick pulled his hair into a bun, and with a curse threw away his sweaty hoody. He removed Ezra's jacked gently. He wasn’t as graceful with the soaked shirt, and just ripped off the right sleeve with one swift motion. Ezra watched him work, cleaning the slightly bleeding wound.

"I'm not taking any chances, love, going to stitch you up"

Ezra nodded and closed his eyes, he felt tired, exhausted, like his life force was drained out of him. It could be the loss of blood, but it really was a small wound. His thoughts raced as he thought about the last time he got shot. The thrill, the absolute bliss. When he was closest to death, he felt alive, was that it? Was that why he always sought the danger and the escape? He thought he was immune, like nothing could get near him, was tonight different or was he still out of trouble? And how is it possible that out of all the people at the party and in the room, Billy was the only one that got killed? 

"Ezra, love, stay with me" Dick panicked and put a hand on the side of his head.

He flattered his eyes open at that. The touch was so gentle, it grazed some of his cheek and his ear. It was so warm.

"Brilliant, look at me while I save your sorry ass" 

Ezra sneered at that, knowing fully well that he's not in any kind of danger. Dick's hand moved swiftly towards the wound, and he started stitching, using his first aid kit. Ezra immediately felt the lingering feeling of Dick's warmth on his face, or lack thereof, and instantly missed it. The stitching stung, and Ezra hissed from the rough touch of the man in front of him. That’s when he stopped following entirely and just watched Dick through heavy eyelids. His movements were slightly panicked, but gentle and experienced. 

Eventually, Dick was satisfied and patched the wound on his upper arm, breathing a shaky breath of relief and finally locking eyes with Ezra. He got up from Ezra's side, and brought Ezra a single fag, placing it directly in his mouth. He brought himself a beer as well. It was like they operated perfectly with pure silence between them, there were words that needed to form and be exchanged, he knew that, but it all could wait.

And it did, because Dick got closer and lit Ezra's cigarette, then he sat on Ezra's bed, starting to get tipsy again, the poor man was actually fucking worried. They set there in silence, still sweating and unable to understand what the fuck is even happening. The silence became heavy the more they sat there, each in his own thoughts, contemplating what to do next and what to say.

"Thank you" was all that Ezra managed when he threw his cigarette to the floor. 

"You're the most mental shithead I've ever fucking met" 

They started laughing at that, Ezra looking down as Dick looked directly at him. He closed his eyes and let the warm feeling in his gut to fill him up. The smell of smoke still in his nostrils, the warm hand still lingering on his cheek in his memory, and the sweet taste of revenge.


	20. Dark was night, warm was the touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The fact that he was drunk didn’t help him at all" 
> 
> In which the night is dark but the touch is warm, lol.

He was tipsy and sluggish when Ezra closed his eyes and tilted his head backwards. He was sitting, chest going up and down with every breath he took, confirming he's alive and well. What a night… Dick couldn’t believe they actually got out of it alive, this was really not his style, if he's being honest. He remembers the slickness with which Ezra lied, talked, walked. Everything about him screamed that he belonged to that world. But seeing him here, neck exposed, and fuck was this neck his weakness, Dick managed to see past that shallow display.

The man in front of him was broken and torn, talented, capable, and always getting what he wants. It was a literal miracle, he didn’t know how all of it happened with such detailed perfection, but he was just happy to see that chest going up and down, rhythm slow and steady. Alive. Dick exhaled again in relief. that earned him a questioning look from Ezra, who lazily opened his eyes.

"I'm just happy you're alive, love" Dick explained.

Ezra laughed at that and looked amused all of a sudden.

"Holy shit, Dick, I think I am too" he moved to look at the ceilings with pure bliss in his eyes.

"You psycho" Dick nodded in disbelief.

Ezra looked at him again now, his eyes were transformed, there was something dangerous beneath them and he looked almost like a flirty cat. His hair was still pushed back, his eyes darker. He licked his bottom lip in a movement so slight anyone could miss it. But Dick wasn’t anyone, and he took a long sip of his beer as a response, never breaking eye contact.

"Maybe I am" Ezra said.

"You defiantly are" Dick chuckled and tried easing the weird aura that surrounded them now.

"Do you think I could get one as well?" he gestured towards the can of beer in his hand.

"I really don’t think that’s a good idea, love" 

"Well… I'm cold. You tore that sleeve, you take care of it" he looked daring, like he was playing a game he's about to win.

Dick practically scoffed and examined Ezra. The man was dead serious, and as if on cue, he started shivering. Fuck… He was all beaten up, his toned arm on full display, his daring posture sending his stomach twisting again. Dick felt captured in those smoky eyes, the glassy expression, the smug of the slightly smiling lip. The fact that he was drunk didn’t help him at all, it felt like torture not to act upon the million scenarios playing in his head.

"Alright, you big baby, time to get under those covers" Dick stood sluggishly and put the beer on the nightstand. He had to break that spell, to delay this whole thing they were getting into. But then… Ezra held his wrist. They froze. 

"Ezra…" 

"I'm sorry, I'm just…" Ezra said and broke their physical connection. 

Dick turned to look him straight in the eyes. It's like he had literal buttons that changed his personality in seconds. One moment ago, he was so smug and slick and daring, and now he was just lost, looking for a glimpse of forgiveness in Dick's expression. Dick felt that Ezra was craving validation, like he wanted to take his actions back and pretend they never happened. Dick understood the sentiment all too well, but the broken expression in front of him showed him that something here wasn’t just the adrenaline talking, the alcohol or the smoke or the haze of tonight. 

Dick sat on his own bed, head in hands, elbows on knees. He exhaled sharply and raised his head to look at Ezra who was now terrified and unbelievably wide-eyed.

"You need to rest, love" was all that he managed.

Ezra only nodded, and tried getting under the covers with grunts of pain. Dick immediately stood up and offered help. He could see that Ezra was embarrassed to his core just by the change of his colour. He teased a bit by tacking him in like a little child.

"You prick" Ezra spat.

Dick only smiled, and put a hand on Ezra's cheek yet again. He knew his cards were on the table, he knew that now it's intentional and not in the haze of trying to keep Ezra awake, he knew that Ezra knew all of that as well. Yet he did it. He felt Ezra's breath hitch, mirroring his own skip of a heartbeat. They were close, and scared, but Dick smiled nonetheless.

"Goodnight Ezra"

"Goodnight Dick" he smiled back.

He left all his thoughts and worries behind, hearing Ezra's racing mind behind him as well. He went to take a shower, enjoying the hot, steamy relief after this long, exhausting day. When he came back, Ezra wasn’t asleep. He ignored it, they really needed to rest. Before he could even realise it, he was asleep.


	21. The reawakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "A weird sense of familiarity, and a sad feeling of an adventure that’s about to end"
> 
> In which Ezra starts to wake up.

He woke up with a grunt, the smell of sweat still swirling in his mind. He needed a shower, badly. He did everything silently, trying to keep his grunts of pain from Dick's sleepy form on the bed next to him. He washed himself, allowing the water to go on and on, allowing his thoughts to swim, to swirl, to go at all directions and down the drain.

When he envisioned that, it was so relaxing and easy to let it all go. his anger was slowly fading away, imaged of Billy falling to his idiotic death making him smile slightly. He trailed with his thoughts to the rest of the night, to his stupid behaviour, to Dick's care, to his touch… These thoughts were harder to wash down the drain. They involved anticipation, want, need…

He got out of the shower, and went out to the room to the low sound of mumbling news. Dick was awake, hair messy, shirtless as always, and doing everything he can to concentrate on the news in his sleepy state. He turned to look at Ezra's half-naked form and smiled brightly.

"Good morning, love" 

"Morning" Ezra smiled back, and moved to sit on the bed.

"How are you feeling?"

Ezra only nodded at that, signalling that he's okay. He sensed Dick's tension when the headlines from the night came up. He wanted to know that Billy was the only one killed. It was weird for Ezra to understand him with such ease. He kept quiet, listening to last night's events, waiting patiently for the same thing Dick was waiting for. 

"Last night, a man well connected and known to the police was found dead in a party cavern. As the investigation goes on, his name remains classified, but what we do know is that there were no other injured or dead, despite ruckus reported at said party"

Ezra smiled wildly at that. Classified. Like the police will do anything about his sodding criminal friends. What matters is that Billy is dead, and he was actually really fucking proud of last night, if he may say so himself. He heard Dick scoffs next to him and turned to look at him. He was smiling as well.

"You fucking creep"

"Just proud, and happy"

"Happy, ey?" Dick raised an eyebrow.

"You heard it here first" Ezra said celebratory, and Dick laughed.

"Well… I'm happy as well, love. Didn’t kill anyone else" he pointed at the telly.

"Yeah… Don’t you think that’s a bit weird?"

"I do, and it fucks me in the head. What about you? How's the arm?" he said smugly.

"Funny…" Ezra trailed off. 

He didn’t know how to explain it without sounding like a total basket case, but he knew something was happening to them, to their curse, to what they had to deal with for the entirety of their lives.

"Do you want to test it?" the thought crossed his mind.

"What? You mean if I still kill people? No, thank you. And after last night you're not doing anything that might get you killed, either"

"So… We'll just live without knowing, then?"

"You know… That’s how normal human beings live"

"I'm not really interested in that, to be honest"

"Sure you don’t" Dick looked at him with a new sort of fondness. 

It made Ezra's heart flutter uncontrollably. Dick wasn’t even trying to fucking hide it at that point. Ezra pretended to concentrate on the news again, but he felt Dick's second glances all over him. Eventually, Dick made his way to the shower as well. They ate, packed their things and got into the car with a weird sense of familiarity, and a sad feeling of an adventure that’s about to end.

"We have one more place to go to before we leave" Dick said calmly and turned on his sad playlist.

Ezra knew where they were going next, but after that, it was all anticipation, clouded future with no answers, questions he only wanted to delay asking, but knew he'll have to. Dick started driving to the hospital, Ezra looked out of the window and breathed deeply.

"And we'll just keep each other  
As safe as we can  
Until we reach the border  
Until we make our plan  
To run"

Somehow, the song confirmed something deep in him that he really wanted to believe. Wishful thinking or not, the facts were clear, and Dick… Despite everything, and maybe in spite everything… He was right here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song featured in the chapter:  
> Run by Daughter
> 
> For playlist: Go to chapter 16, Hive mind, end notes


	22. Eli

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hey Eli"
> 
> In which Ezra says goodbye.

They were about to enter her room. Ezra was fidgeting next to him, manically consuming every distraction he could get. He looked better, lively, and scared. Dick put a hand on his shoulder. They locked eyes. Dick thinks this is the first time he saw Ezra in a coloured shirt, and it actually really suited him. It was a ripped, enormous, old and brown. It almost looked like he was drowning in it.

"That’s a brilliant shirt" Dick smiled.

Ezra rolled his eyes at the obvious attempt at making him feel better.

"I'm fine, let's get in" he said with a small smile. Dick nodded, and they did.

On the bed, was laying a young girl, connected to one thousand hospital machines that biped and made weird random noises. She had the same Asian eyes as Ezra's, and the same black hair. Dick looked at Ezra protectively, seeing his emotional reaction to the girl. Ezra sat next to her and took her palm in his.

"Hey Eli" he whispered "I… We killed that shit head, I hope that’s… I know it's not anything near making amends but… I had to do it" he trailed off awkwardly.

Something was different in Ezra's expression when he talked to his sister. He looked protective, sad, hurt. He actually displayed these emotions with no filter, and it made Dick a bit uncomfortable, like he was watching an intimate moment not meant for his eyes.

"Should I… Wait outside?" he asked.

Ezra thought for a while, not looking at him, and eventually managed a weak "No" and a reassuring, sad smile. Then they sat there in silence for a while.

"We're half Japanese, in case you wondered" Ezra said all of a sudden.

"I did wonder" Dick smiled faintly.

Dick felt every emotion radiating from Ezra in such intensity. He saw the guilt in his eyes, the love and care in his touch, the fact that he truly loved her, yet had a hard time connecting the little girl he saw so many years ago with the woman in front of him. There was also the disbelief that she's gone, the hope she's going to suddenly breath on her own and the promised reunion will occur. 

"You know who I made that playlist for? The sad one?"

Ezra nodded slowly "You didn’t tell me…"

"Beth. That’s her name… And I'm responsible for her death, as for many others" he breathed deeply, trying not to choke on the words.

"But she's different… Because I decided to remember, to own it, to never forget who she was" 

Ezra seemed to resonate with the sentiment, nodding slowly and looking in Eli's direction. The squint in his eyes that held back his tears exposed how even more ashamed and filled with guilt he felt. Dick stood up and put a hand on his shoulder. Ezra broke at that and tilted his face so that Dick doesn't see. A couple of minutes pass. The heavy silence of death surrounding them, and Ezra's breathes return to a normal pace.

"She's here for so long… I would have ended it already…" he said firmly.

"Well, that’s not for you to decide, love"

He saw the sting of his words as soon as they formed in his mouth, but they both knew they were true and honest. She had a family, a life Ezra was not a part of any longer, and as much as it hurts, he'll have to face this reality, sooner or later, and let it all go. Ezra stood up, giving the pale hand a final squeeze.

"Bye Eli" he ached with every syllable leaving his mouth. 

Dick knew that pain. Felt it. Held it in his heart and soul. This pain that shapes how you look at life, how you value them, how you'll react to every other situation you'll come across for the rest of your life. It changes every person in a different way, but he was certain that Ezra is actually starting a new path, even if he doesn’t feel like it, even if he doesn’t think it's possible. He was thinking about Ezra, but something in his heart knew he was also thinking of himself.

There will always be the question: Do people like them deserve happiness? Do they get to live while others die and get hurt? For most of his life, he lived in a comfortable immunity to the thought, shielding himself from any relationship and human connections so that he doesn’t endanger anyone. Now… Now he was standing in a hospital room for more than an hour, people are all alive, Ezra's alive. Was he cured? Were they somehow manipulating each other? All of these questions will eventually lead him to follow Ezra out of the hospital. He might as well just find out.


	23. Getting there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'd like that"
> 
> In which it's wholesome.

He stood in the empty parking lot and smoked a fag. Dick was following him until he came to a stop in front of him. His short hair in a bun, his usual old T-shirt and jumper combo never failed to amaze him. The blonde man looked at him concerned, like he was asking a question he didn’t want to formulate. Ezra nodded and looked past him, holding with his free hand the tight necklace to his neck.

The thoughts that swirled in his mind moved slowly yet surly from his sister to the man in front of him. He remembers the night they fought, and the first time he heard the playlist. He didn’t know why, but it was important to him, like that playlist had hidden messages and stories Dick never told him himself. The man in front of him was very much a mystery, still.

He felt guilt blooming in his heart for his behaviour, for his words, for his inappropriate remarks and actions, but he could see it in Dick's eyes without even asking for it. Forgiveness. Pure and warm and burning like fire in those blue crystals. He dropped the cigarette and stepped towards Dick, the man already waited for him with open arms. 

They felt good, and strong, and safe. It was nothing like the night at the party, where they were sweaty and running for their lives and not even understanding what is happening. They were hugging out their pain, the shared experiences they have just been through, the understanding of their situation. One of Dick's hands moves on his back, pushing them closer.

Ezra was the one to break the hug, to put a hand on Dick's chest, to grab his silly jumper and not look up. He was the one to whisper "Thank you" and walk back, not daring to look at Dick's expression. They got in the car, Dick started driving, and the same playlist was playing its way into Ezra's psyche. The mellow songs surrounded them as they left the grey city and passed countless green fields sprinkled with sheep and cows. By the time the sun has started to set, they were in north England, stopping at a familiar-looking gas station.

"Bring me a salad, love, would you?" Dick handed him his credit card.

They smiled at each other like two idiotic children with a terrible inside joke.

"I thought you'd be able to go by yourself" Ezra referred to the lack of bodies left behind them in Scotland. Except for one, of course. Dick chuckled, and Ezra got out of the car. 

When he came back, Dick was sitting in the open boot, looking at the infinite green field. His bright hair was flowing lightly in the soft wind, his eyes painted by the sunset that surrounded them. Ezra felt himself sinking into the image in front of him. The calm aura of the man, his maroon jumper, his confident and comfortable stance. Ezra sat next to him, watching the field and the sunset as well. They didn’t eat, they just sat in silence, deep in thoughts, contemplations, closures. The music from the inside of the car was still echoed from within, swirling with the wind.

Ezra thought about the future. Their future. Was there a future with them in it? He hoped there is. As he thinks of the past couple of days, he could say he was getting there… Getting in touch with his emotions, with being happy and free to smile and laugh and be silly and idiotic and a complete fucking moron. Dick made it so easy to be all of those and still feel accepted. That’s what Ezra felt for the last couple of days. Accepted.

He thought about the long drive, their night in the car, the touch of Dick's arm on his wrist when they're freezing cold. He wanted more of that… He wanted to know Dick, to see him, to understand the man in front of him. When he just entered that man's house, he thought he knew what he wanted. Now… He's closer, but he's barely there.

He moved to look at Dick, the man was imbedded in the scene in front of him, hands on the surface of the car, supporting his strong, gruff frame. Dick turned as well, looking deeply into Ezra's eyes, trying to crack him open, to break him until he's out there, exposed. For the first time in his life, Ezra didn’t mind that investigating look. Dick moved his hand to cover Ezra's one, the warmth sending shivers down his spine.

"Maybe… Maybe we could travel more, now that you don’t kill absolutely everyone around you" Ezra cracked a teasing smile.

Dick smiled as well and looked down to their touching hands. Then back to Ezra's eyes. There was fire in his gaze.

"I'd like that"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... Yeah  
> This is it.
> 
> I will soon post little one-shots or two-shots regarding their new relationship and lemon lol, but I really wanted this to focus on the questions of life and death, character building in extreme situations and exploring my writing style. If you liked these two idiots, there will be more of them, so don't worry!   
> Love you all!!!  
> cheerio!

**Author's Note:**

> So... I got this idea out of a nightmare I had where the main character got everyone they loved killed in horrible accidental ways. When I woke up I had to make it a bit nicer so of course, a man that kills everyone will meet a man who wants to die but can't. And they're gay, probably, we'll see... Thanks for reading and feel free to leave any comment you'd like! English is not my first language so if there are any mistakes, feel free to point that out as well!  
> cheerio!


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